This is a long post
about a topic that is very dear to my heart. If you choose to keep reading, please
don’t just skim over it. Take some time to read it. Bookmark and come back
later if you need to. I say this because I know myself, and I know that I skim over
wisdom when I really should stop and take notice.
Beauty makes a Beast
What is it about beauty that makes us long to become a part
of it? Whenever I observe something wondrously beautiful, such as a warm sunset
over the Grand Canyon, I feel as though I long to join in with it, as if I am
just an observer on the outside with a fortunate glimpse into something
reserved for the Almighty. Perhaps I could say the same thing about the
physical beauty of another person. What is it about the view of another human
being that can instill a sense of awe and wonder?
Physical beauty is such a force in our culture. Among the
endless products, magazines, and shows lies a deeper yearning, and perhaps in
this yearning, we’ve allowed ourselves to go awry. As Jimmy Needham so
elegantly says: I see a nation of people
needing to feed their own ego, parading status like steeples. Do we not know
it’s evil, to love ourselves more than God and his people?
Have you ever noticed that we treat people we consider more
attractive better than those we deem less attractive? I’ve seen it in my own
heart. If a person is beautiful or handsome, I am glad to have their friendship
just because they got looks. Why do we think bodily defects or obesity are
worse than pride or greed? How do we logically judge a person by their looks
and not the content of their character? Regardless of our relationship status,
how we look determines how we look at others. Yet, God sees through our foolish
ways and flips this beauty-crazed culture on its head.
I think I want to address each gender on this issue. Feel free
to read both letters to the genders.
Dear Men
Don’t you just love beautiful girls? Man, they are something
special, aren’t they? I don’t know about you, but a girl’s smile sends chills
down my spine. Guys, we are visual creatures. I don’t have to tell you that. If
a girl’s got the looks, she can convince you to wax your armpits with rubber
cement. We’re a sucker for a pretty face. Spike TV knows that. Playboy knows
that. The local news channel knows that. And if you want a piece of those good
looks, you have three options: A) open up a girl on a screen that will show you
anything you could sexually desire, B) find a girl who is insecure and
vulnerable enough to let you physically and spiritually bond yourself in a
euphoric bliss, or C) find a girl who’s main goal is to make you more like the
One who made you, marry her, then participate in that beauty as an act of
worship. The porn industry is betting billions of dollars that you’ll choose
option A. Most guys do. The matchmaking industry is working up a whole lot of
gusto to offer you option B. In fact, option B seems to be the status quo as
far as relationships go. But I hope you choose option C.
Looks Can Kill
At its very essence, lusting for the beauty of a daughter of
God is selfish. You are taking visual information about someone that does not
belong to you. I could go on and on about the power of lust and the sanctity of
sex (in fact, I already have). But
for the sake of brevity, know that every girl you desire was created by a God…
that knows your every thought…and can stop your breath at any moment… and
reserves the right to do so. If I were a father, and I knew some guy—no matter how
righteous he was known to be—was oodling over my daughter, you better believe I
would bring some righteous wrath upon his life. It’s no different with God. We
do well not to mess with the Big Man’s daughters. Fortunately, our Father in
Heaven is much more patient and graceful then I am.
Beauty fades
A problem with our visual bias is that what we enjoy doesn’t
last very long. I hate to break it to you, but beauty fades. Just as the
flowers you buy your girlfriend only last a week or two, the physical beauty of
a woman fades as time goes on. Yet, we still identify good wife material by how
good she looks. Just look at the washed up 60 year old millionaires prancing
around with twenty year old models. They are pursuing physical beauty. But no
matter how hard they try, they just can’t get no satisfaction. Don’t be that
guy. To judge the quality of a woman by her looks is like judging the worth of
a home by the color of the front door. It’s
just stupid. Furthermore, marrying a woman because you get to have sex with her
is like buying an airplane just to get free peanuts. It’s no wonder that the
bible warns us about the temporary nature of a woman’s beauty. Beauty trumps
our very power to reason.
Best Buy Beauty
Women aren’t real estate. This idea that we need to get the
best beauty for the best deal is selfish and self-destructive. Please, be a man
and love a real woman, not a fictitious object. No woman will fit your every
desire. That’s not what they were designed for. When you compare a woman to
other women, you create a beast inside of you that is never satisfied. Do
yourself (and wife/future wife) a favor and stop comparing women as if they
were baseball cards. If you are curious what criteria I used to figure out if
Rachel (my partner in advancing the Kingdom) was right for me, check this out.
Our worth is not dependent on our relationship status. God is our sole
satisfaction and our sisters in Christ become wives only when you will glorify
God more together than apart. And let me let you in on a little secret…
Standard of Beauty
A secret to a beautiful marriage is to make your spouse your
standard of beauty. When you marry her, she becomes what you are “in to”. Is
she blonde? Boom. You’re in to blonde chicks. Is she pregnant? Would you look
at that!? You’re now attracted to pregnant blonde chicks. You get the point. Everything
that your wife is becomes everything that you’re attracted to. That way, when
your wife is wrinkly and saggy (yes, I said it), you’ll be very much in love
with a wrinkly and saggy woman. It is only when we fashion our interests to
match the one we love that we will find true satisfaction.
Are you sitting there thinking it impossible to change
what you’re “in to”? Perhaps history will help convince you otherwise. At one
point, fat chicks were all that. At another time, girls with foot-bound feet
(Google Image footbinding… I dare you) were the bees’ knees. Do you get the
point? Beauty is subjective. You CAN alter what you find attractive. Mankind
has been doing it for years. As guys, physical beauty controls more about what
we think of other people than it should. Christ knows that we find joy in other
people when we stop considering how they look as the number one criteria for
who they are.
Physical Beauty vs.
Fiscal Beauty
Believe it or not guys, but girls aren’t as into your looks
as you are theirs, so you can stop worrying about whether you are cut enough,
or big enough, or suave enough, or tan enough. While we guys value the physical
beauty of a female, women value the fiscal beauty of a man. Now that doesn’t
mean women are just a bunch of gold diggers. Rather, it seems that women have
this innate desire to be provided for and pursued. Don’t believe me? There are countless
studies that show it. Women do enjoy a handsome man, but physical
attractiveness pales in comparison to a man’s ability to provide and care for a
woman. Maybe that’s how the aforementioned washed up millionaire can even get
with those twenty-something fitness models. You know that whole 50 Shades of
Grey phenomenon? It’s not so much the sexual fantasies that the women are gaga
for, but rather the fantasy of a cunning millionaire sweeping a woman off her
feet with daring adventures and mysterious desires. Christian Grey (the man of
those women’s dreams) gives the protagonist an entire enterprise and provides
for her in other ridiculous fashions. So while we like structure of a woman’s
body, women like the structure of a man’s providing potential. Men want a
beauty to fight for while women want a man to pursue and provide for them. So
don’t worry about using that acne cleanser, a woman would prefer you save that
money and buy her something nice. The ladies want a man who is confident in
Christ, not his complexion. Don’t be so insecure.
Beauty Bums
Beauty is so important to us, yet so unimportant to the
success of marriage and our life. How, then, do we proceed? As with most
things, the Bible has a clear answer for us. In regards to how we measure a
woman’s worth, Charm is deceitful, and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears
the Lord is to be praised (Proverbs 30:31). Let’s alter our value on
physical beauty to match what God considers beautiful. He, after all, knows a
lot on the subject. If you are single, you are not incomplete, for Christ
completes you. If you are in a relationship, do not determine whether the one
you are with is worthy to partner in Kingdom work with you by her looks, but by
her relationship with Christ. If you are married, you have made a commitment to
love her. Love holds no record of wrongs and no rubric of beauty. She has
become your standard, so rejoice in her physicality and lead her in
spirituality. Learn how to be a man and not a boy who can shave.
Your Brother in Christ,
Jeremy Eaton
Dear Women
If you didn’t know, I am not a woman. In fact, I am quite
the opposite. But I have a heart for you and I have a few words to build you
up, encourage you, and challenge you. I pray you would receive them with
patience, joy, and understanding.
You are Beautiful
Dear friend, you are beautiful because you were made by the
one who is Beauty! It breaks my heart so see so many women ridden with
insecurity because they believe that have to attain some mythical standard of
beauty. You want to know something crazy? Skinny, tan women haven’t always been
considered beautiful. As I was telling the guys before this, beauty is
subjective. To think that you need to be beautiful to be worthy is a failure of
our society.
Furthermore, the belief that you’re not beautiful will lead
you to judge others. When we care what others think about us, it tends to
negatively affect what we think about others. Please don’t criticize others
because it makes you feel better. Gossip tastes so good on the tongue, but it can
really give you a stomach ache. It grieves my heart to see how we judge others
by their looks. We are all just fighting for our self-worth, when Jesus is
imploring us to break out of our insecure shells and love those around us. So
if anything else, know that God Almighty knows that you are beautiful and I do
too. You can argue with me, but are you really going to argue with Him?
Cosmetic Crisis
People in this country are cosmetically crazy. Now I’m a
guy, so I know there are some things I will never understand, but it’s no
mystery that we have been convinced that no make-up means no beauty. If you
have time, look at this report by the WMCA.
The women in our society are seeking beauty at any cost. As my sisters in
Christ, I don’t want you to fall into this rat race. Perhaps the following
statistics will shed light on this issue:
Amount of money spent annually on perfumes in Europe and the
United States…$12 Billion
Amount of money needed each year to provide reproductive health
care for all women in developing countries……………………………………………………………….......................... $12 Billion
Amount of money needed each year to provide water and
sanitation for ALL people in developing nations…………………………………………………………………......................... $ 9
Billion
Amount of money spent annually on cosmetics in the United States……………..... $
8 Billion
Amount of money needed each year to provide basic education
to ALL people in developing nations……………………………………………………………………………............... $ 6 Billion
Can you see that our priorities are a little out of whack? Western
culture spends twice as much on perfume as it would cost to educate every
single person in the developing world. Our obsession with beauty extends far
beyond the fact that half the stores in the mall are devoted to making us look
better.
Don’t Live in a
Beauty Box
Girls, don’t let us guys define you by how you look. We’re
bad at that and we’re working on it. But, it is up to you keep away from the
lie that you have to look a certain way. Have you heard that “Modest is hottest”?
Please help a brother out by dressing in a manner that is wholesome, so that we
visual creatures don’t have the temptation. Please hold the guys around you to
a higher standard than they hold themselves. Likewise, you can help us out by understanding
what beauty really is. Please don’t stay in the beauty box that this culture
puts you in. Don’t define your beauty by what you where or how you do
your hair.
Paul makes it simple: “Do not let your adorning be
external—the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry, or the
clothing you wear— but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with
the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is
very precious.” (1 Peter 3:3-4).
Worldly Beauty Makes
You Worldly
Jesus spent a whole lot of time convincing us that what we
wear and how we look does not define who we are. “But Jeremy,” you say, “a
little Vera Bradley here and a little Fossil there and a little jewelry
purchase every once in a while won’t hurt anyone.” You may be right. But sometimes, we think we
are simply making a home in this world, when really, this world is making a
home in us. James tells us that an action that is pure, faultless, and pleasing
to God is this: to keep this world from corrupting us. We are to be in this
world, and not of it. But when we dress ourselves in what this world treasures,
we become part of its charade. Instead, make strength and dignity your
clothing, and let your beauty come from your relationship with Christ. Then,
you will be beautiful to those who understand beauty. Besides, trying to lure a
man with your physical beauty is like fishing with dynamite… You’ll catch some
fish alright, but none worth eating. In fact, you’ll just end up in a big mess
with wet hair and a smell you can’t easily get rid of (pardon my crude
analogies).
Keep Your Standards
High
Speaking of luring a man, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don’t lower
your standards for a guy. The nation is full of boys who can shave and it grieves my heart to see godly women
suffer in relationships with spiritual toddlers. You should never have to
convince yourself to marry someone… EVER. Seek a man who will lead you in what
is godly. Seek a man who will pursue you after he pursues God. Seek a man because of his character, not his cash. But maybe I
shouldn’t be telling you to seek at all, for singleness is a gift from God in
itself. A man will never fulfill you despite what culture will try to convince you. If you are in a relationship right now, please make sure it is because
you like the man and not the comfort of the relationship. Don’t date someone
just because they like you. Don’t date because you are lonely. If you are
struggling with singleness, please read this. As I told the guys, a relationship should only happen when being
together with someone glorifies God more than being apart.
Self Worth: What’s it
worth?
Lastly, we are all insecure, from the most physically attractive
to the least. Most girls, when told they are beautiful, deny it. You girls
secretly love it when people talk about your beauty, but you can never get enough
people to tell you that you're beautiful. When we deny compliments (I do it too), we are setting
ourselves up as the focus of attention even more so. We can’t help it. We just
want social affirmation. But God completely wipes away our insecure selves and
overloads our meager lives with His lavish love. Please don’t let your
insecurity damper just how much God loves you. PS. If your boyfriend or dad or
best friend or whoever tells you that you are beautiful/pretty/cute/whatever,
it’s not because they “have to”, it’s because you are. I write more about self worth here.
Sweet females, I love you because Christ loves you. As C.S.
Lewis says, “Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved
person’s ultimate good as far as it can be attained.” That is the reason for
this ill-constructed letter. I hope you feel beautiful and I hope you feel
loved.
Your Brother in Christ,
Jeremy Eaton