There is an epidemic of adolescence in our culture today. For most of human history, a male would go through two phases: boy, then man. But somehow we have come to the point where guys of all ages have gotten stuck between boy and man. They are merely boys who can shave. You see it everywhere, from college to "mid-life crisis-es"; American boys have not become men.

When I was a boy, I talked like a boy, I thought like a boy, I reasoned like a boy. When I became a man, I put childish and boyish ways behind me. A lot of guys fight the transition from boy to man because they despise responsibility. Enabling this type of guy are a legion of moms and girlfriends who pay his bills, pick up his mess, lend him their cars, and keep him supplied with alcohol and a steady diet of snacks. Men are supposed to be producers, not just consumers. You are defined by the legacy, the life, and the fruit that come out of you, not by what you take in. But most guys are just consumers: alcohol, video games, sports, women... The shaving boyhood of today lives in a perpetual yearning for Christmas morning. No thing can satisfy. Instead, a man is to reflect the truth, goodness, love, and mercy of Jesus, his God and Savior. He is the glory of God.

Man toys and video games and all those things aren't inherently bad. The problem is when those are prevalent, predominant, and preeminent in a man's life. Men are to be creators and cultivators. God is a creator and cultivator and you were made in the image of him. Be a giver, not a taker.  Stop looking for the path of least resistance and start running down the path of greatest glory to God and good to others because that is what Jesus, the real Man, did.

Tough and Tender
Being a man is about tough and tender. We are to be tough in defending the weak and fighting for justice and mercy. We are to be tough in defending truth and taking care of our loved ones. We are to be tough against injustice, hard-hardheartedness, and foolishness. We are to be tough in carving out safety and protection for women and children in a world that abuses them.

We are to be tender in comforting the hurting, encouraging the downcast, and teaching the young and inexperienced. We are to be tender with our wives (for those who have them), loving them as Christ loved the Church. We are to be tender with children, showing them love and building them up. We are to be tender with those who are broken by their sin and needing godly counsel and help.

Jesus was tough enough to go to the cross and Jesus was tender enough to weep over the death of His friend.

But boys who can shave are one, or the other, or neither. 

Tough Chauvinists
 
"No Sissy Stuff" Sam believes that being a man is simply being the opposite of a woman. He lacks emotion other than anger used for bullying and intimidation because other emotions are a sign of weakness. He is not very verbal because he has little interest in opening up or getting drawn into a deep conversation with his wife, girlfriend, family or friends because he is selfish. And he is not physically affectionate with anyone except when he wants sex. To him, affection is effeminate and sex is a masculine activity more akin to hunting, scoring, or conquering. He needs to learn that being a man is not opposite of being a woman, but instead that both are made in the image of God and express the same emotion in masculine and feminine ways.

Success-And-Status Stewart  believes that being a man is about what you have and do rather than  who you are and how you serve. Like a foolish ex-jock, this fellow is forever talking about and consumed by any score keeping that he can use to show his superiority to others: the beauty of his wife, his strength, appearance, health, car, income, degree, skills, university, children's performance, and possessions.You never have to ask this guy what his latest victory is, because he'll make sure you know what a winner he is.

"Give 'Em Hell" Hank thinks men are solely warriors, brawlers, and tough guys. He is prone to a short temper, and his family (wife/girlfriend especially) and friends are often afraid of upsetting him and the wrath he or she may endure. The simplest way to understand this guy is that he is a controlling bully. Bullying has worked for him, so he feels no need to change. He's been able, for the most part, to get through life finding weaker people who avoid conflict and exploiting them. His family feels no connection to him and his companion is left with the horrible choices of leaving the fool, sticking around and fighting back like a man, or shutting her mouth and doing what she is told, like a pet.

"I'm the Boss" Bob love to be in authority and tell others what to do, but he hates being under authority and doing what he is told. Wherever he is, he appoints himself King; when he can't be the boss, he throws a fit. You can find Bob going church to church looking for a pastor dumb enough to take orders from him. Bob's wife is often a weary woman and his children either despise him or parrot him, both of which are tragedies.

The problem with these blockhead tough chauvinists includes how they read the bible. When they read about being the head of their families, they miss all the other parts about repentance, friendship, love, humility, and being like Jesus. They love the part about women submitting, but are blind to their more challenging purpose to love their wife as Christ loves the church. They treat women as property. They do not know that fiddling with the King's daughters will bring them  inconceivable wrath.

Tender Cowards
The opposite of tough chauvinists are tender cowards. These are the kind of guys that are too soft, too amiable, and too effeminate.


Little-Boy Larry never grew up. He tends to be disorganized and has a hard time getting his life together for an extended time. Getting and keeping a job is always tough for him because he's not very ambitious and he finds that ongoing responsibilities tend to get in the way of his hobbies and friends. He's immature; his interests and mannerisms are those of a boy. Unable to pay his bills or look after himself, he tends to borrow money from other people who keep an eye on him like an adult to a child. Women are attracted to him the way a mother is attracted to a helpless baby.

Sturdy-Oak Owen goes to work and comes home, cuts the grass, mends the fence, pays the bills, turns on the tv, and checks out. He is physically present but emotionally absent. He enjoys getting lost in meaningless entertainment and can't stand the idea of talking to someone head on. He fills his time with menial tasks: studying, working on his car, the internet, yardwork. He is always doing something other than connecting with his family and friends. He may have buddies that he enjoys , but only when they are doing mindless activities. He does not hug anyone. He does not speak unless necessary. He's ultimately a coward afraid of being emotionally involved with anyone.

Hyper-Spiritual Henry is the guy with all the Christian T-shirts and bumper stickers, always listening to the latest trendy christian music and reading the trendiest book out there. He embarrasses his friends and family, not because he represents Christ, but because he is emotionally unreal. People don't want to come around him because they fear they will get stuck in an episode of "Ned Flanders and the jolly jumping christian conversations". Everything has to be connected to some out of context bible verse, theological position, or strange spiritual lesson. He does not disciple people; he condemns them for not being a good American Christian. Henry doesn't understand sacrifice. He doesn't understand when to mourn and when to rejoice. He tells people who are suffering the latest advice rather then listening and comforting them in their troubles. He Jesus Jukes people out of their shoes for fun, rather than rebuking with love. He has no perseverance and he is self-righteous.

Good-Time Gary is super fun, the life of the party, and a really nice guy, so no one ever really puts a finger in his chest when they need to. He is funny; he is charming; he is winsome; he is entertaining. There's always a crowd of people around him. Everybody likes him. He gets along with everybody and here's the key: everybody likes him, but nobody respects him. He makes everything a joke. He can't hold a job, can't pay his bills, can't get out of bed in the morning, can't follow through with commitment, can't stay organized, can't see anything through to completion. He'll draw a crowd, but they won't follow him because he isn't going anywhere. The wife of Gary grows tired of the everything is funny and cute charade. She wants a king of a man she can depend on and not a court jester for her husband.


None of these guys are the kind of men Jesus wants us to be. The key to understanding masculinity is Jesus Christ. Jesus was tough with the religious blockheads, false teachers, the proud and the bullies. Jesus was tender with the women, children, the suffering, and humble. Additionally, Jesus took responsibility for Himself. He worked a job for the first thirty years of His life, swinging the hammer as a carpenter. He also took responsibility for us on the cross, where he substituted Himself and died in the place of our sins. My sins are my fault, not Jesus', yet he made them his responsibility. Jesus takes things that weren't His fault and fixes them. He does not whine or complain. He does not complain that life isn't fair or condemn. He saw injustice, crime, pride, pain and evil and he did something about it. He gave his life for others in every sense possible or conceivable.

You may not be physically strong. But if you are rightly tough and tender, and you take responsibility for yourself and others, then you are truly a man's man, and by grace you are being conformed into a man like the perfect God-man, Jesus Christ. Men lovingly, humbly and sacrificially lead by being a blessing and taking responsibility for not only himself but also for others.

"Men are like trucks: they drive smoother and straighter with a load. Adolescence delays this load carrying indefinitely. wise men know this and load themselves up early in life to get their education, careers, families, and ministries started as soon as possible because it gives them a good head start on the fools. So load yourself up. Take responsibility for yourself. Take responsibility for your community. Take responsibility for your church. Take responsibility for your company. Take responsibility for your city. Real men don't look for other men, organizations, and government to carry their load. Real men carry their own load"


This post was heavily inspired by the teaching of Mark Driscoll.