Exactly one year ago, Rachel and I walked down the aisle and into holy matrimony. In just a year, we went from college kids to Dual-Income-No-Kids (DINKs). In some ways, it feels like Rachel and I have been married a decade—in other ways, barely a week. While I don’t understand how the time has passed, I know we have enjoyed every moment since. We came into marriage well researched, but there is no better teacher than experience. Some lessons came as surprises while others were slowly and surely reinforced. Regardless, here are twelve lessons I learned in the first year of marriage.

1.      The Game of Life
Many people say the first year of marriage was one of the toughest for their relationship, but Rachel and I can’t relate. We had an incredibly easy time adjusting to married life. We read a litany of books about marriage beforehand and learned from any older couple willing to talk to us. We put work into laying the foundation and it’s been a breeze building ever since. But notice, I didn’t say we had an easy year. Marriage itself hasn’t been so challenging (yet), but all the other aspects of life have. We’ve received all sorts of wisdom regarding marriage, but no one prepared us for the other changes we endured.

After Rachel and I wed, change became our modus operandi. We moved locations. We changed jobs. Rachel went from doing school—something she had done well for 17 years—to no job and no purpose. You’d think not having to work would be fantastic, but it gets old quick. We left all of our college friends back in Lexington and befriended the only folks we knew, my parents and Rachel’s grandparents. Nanny and Nana were our best friends and my parents were our double date partners of choice! We learned how to manage money, how to save for retirement, how to get insurance, how to get a credit card, and how to make sure Dave Ramsey never got mad at us. Our bedtimes shifted to 10 PM and our weeknights suddenly opened up … all five of them. And if all that wasn’t challenging enough in the beginning, I left for 4 weeks to Detroit on business after only 7 weeks of marriage. I left my wife alone in a city she barely knew with no job and no friends. It was rough.

It wasn’t our marriage that caused tears, anxiety, or anguish; it was the game of life. Fortunately for us, we were able walk through it all with each other. We lived and we learned. For example, I learned I prefer dishes and laundry while Rachel prefers cleaning and vacuuming. I learned I value food and sleep while Rachel values cleanliness and organization. I learned I love handling money and paying bills while Rachel loves handling relationships and sending Thank-Yous. We covered each other’s weaknesses with our strengths. Instead of letting the stress of life strain our relationship, we let the joy of our relationship overflow into every aspect of life. Through the challenges, our prayers became authentic and frequent. We learned patience not just in the moment, but across a span of months. We reveled in our difficulties and laughed at our inefficiencies. Like a pair of rose colored glasses, our marriage let us view our life in a whole new light. Challenges became the soil in which the fruit of joy grew as we learned to embrace life, not just life together.

2.      Two Become One
Rachel and I have witnessed the fusing of our personalities, our thoughts, our speech patterns, our schedules, our pet peeves, our spirits, and our lives. There is no longer ‘me’, only ‘we’. Not only are our bank accounts joined, but the very fashion of our beings are intertwined. The way she observes meets the way I analyze. Her picky pallet joins my adventurous taste buds. Her emotions join my rational thought. In a profound sense beyond understanding, we are one.

When you’ve done something a certain way for a long time, it’s so easy to think of it as the right way. You don’t realize how many little preferences you bring until someone challenges those preferences. I grew up eating a certain way, cleaning a certain way, organizing a certain way and even communicating a certain way, and so did Rachel. When our preferences met, something had to give. We had to adapt to each other. We each came into this marriage with little ways of doing things. When our lives collided, we had to lay down our rights and joyfully adjust. Now I know how to fold a towel the way Rachel likes it and now Rachel knows how I like that towel hung up. When we come to a difference in preferences, we figure out who cares about it the most and let the stronger preference become the only preference. For example, Rachel likes the house organized a certain way while I don’t care too much, so I adapt to her. I like to eat at certain times while Rachel doesn’t mind too much, so she adapts to me. Marriage becomes a beautiful dance of giving and taking.

Trouble comes when a married couple tries to remain independent from each other. Selfishness is the root of all conflict. I cringe when I see marriage advice to the tune of “Do this or that to ensure you’re fine if you end up getting divorced.” But that’s not how it works. The marriage covenant requires each participant to go all in for each other, not themselves. No longer does she have her friends and I have mine. No longer does she have her schedule and I have mine. No longer does she have her money and I have mine. We are one. Her worries become my worries. My interests become her interests. Her dreams become my dreams. Like God, we are multiple personalities serving selflessly in one unit.

If you prepare as if divorce is possible, it becomes probable. Marriage is all in or nothing. The sum is greater than the whole of its parts. Two must become one. After one year, we are no longer who we were. We are strangers to the old single versions of ourselves. And in 30 years, I have no doubt Rachel and I will be nearly indistinguishable in thought, preferences, and passions. We have been joined together in a divine mystery. No man will separate what God has joined together.

3.      Family Fun

As Rachel and I have joined, our families have too. They say “you marry the family” and boy is it true! And in our case, it couldn’t be more of a blessing. Now that Rachel and I are old enough and mature enough to be independent, we are free to enjoy our family’s company in a whole new way. Our parents are not just our parents anymore, they’re our friends. We’ve ascended to a level of mutual understanding and respect. While they still remain our mentors, spending time with our parents is like a double date, not just a family gathering. Oh the incredible amount of fun we’ve had with our newly joined family! Getting married has taken time spent with the family to a whole new level.

On the other hand, a joined family means joined family responsibilities. Rachel and I have twice the family to love and take care of. Now it’s up to me to attend the gatherings of my newly added family. Wherever Rachel is expected, I am expected as well, so I have to make sure I give my newly founded family the attention and presence they deserve. Moreover, Rachel now has the responsibility to care of my parents and grandparents, not just hers. Fortunately, she does an excellent job. Rachel was raised to send thank you notes for every little occasion—whereas if I was taught that, I quickly forgot—so my grandmas were absolutely astounded when they received sweet little thank you notes from us.

When families come together, familial differences get the highlight. It can be hilarious—and challenging—to see how two groups of people can operate so differently. For example, I was raised eating dessert after every meal. If a dessert was left on the counter, it was the family goal to devour it. Rachel’s family, on the other hand, doesn’t have a need for sweets like the Eaton’s do. They can leave a Reese’s on the counter untouched for weeks on end. It’s amazing! Likewise, my family only communicates when necessary. We save all of our discussions until we are in person. Rachel’s family, however, calls each other on a daily basis, sometimes multiple times a day and for no other reason than to “check in” with each other. Such staunch differences in communicative expectations can be hard to get used to! Rachel has to get used to the very short and succinct texts my family utilizes to communicate and I have to get used to getting ten phone calls on my birthday. When families come together, differences abound. Our choice as a couple is to either rejoice in them or fight over them. Viva la difference!

4.      Double Dating

While marriage is like an endless sleepover, the companionship it provides isn’t all-encompassing. Married people still need friends. When we were married, our single friends sort of assumed they would never see us again. It’s like they thought we were too busy doing “married things” to hang out. To some extent, our schedules did tighten up a bit, but for a while, Rachel and I always felt like we were the ones doing the inviting. We were never the invited. There was this hidden assumption that marriage provided all the companionship one would dare desire. But community is where we draw our life and encouragement, married or not.

When Rachel and I moved to Louisville, one of our largest and longest prayers was to find other couples to walk down the married road with. It wasn’t easy to find young couples like us. We were too young for the “young couples” class at church (everyone had kids) and we were too old for the typical college-age ministries we used to peruse. We latched on to any other DINKs we could find. Married couples need other married couples to help encourage, teach, and guide.

When you get married, you no longer spend your time figuring out if your spouse is the one you want to be around. The decision is done. Instead, you begin to date other couples. In every way, you begin to court couples to do life and double dates with. You want friends who make life fun and share common values. There were other married couples we were immediately attracted to and others we weren’t. At one point, Rachel and I were so desperate for community that Rachel set up a blind double date! No joke! We knew who we spent our time with would determine who we became, so Rachel and I really wanted to ensure we were joining other couples heading in the same direction.
5.      Keeping up with the Jones

As a couple, it’s so easy to desire what other couples have. So many times in our first year, we would see other friends romping around with a cute little puppy, moving in to a lovely new home, or trekking through Europe, and we would want what they had. Envy and jealousy would knock on our hearts’ door ready to carry off our joy. Every time we would see others doing something we wanted to do, we would step back and remind ourselves to rejoice with them. We would remind ourselves that we don’t want the responsibility of owning a pet. We would remind ourselves that we don’t need to be hurried into a house before we are ready. We would remind ourselves that we are so young and not ready to have children yet. We would remind ourselves that we have a lifetime to travel and we don’t need to knock out our bucket list in a few short years.

Our ability to be thankful for what we have rides on our strength in fighting envy and jealousy. We don’t need to buy stuff with money we don’t have to impress people we don’t even know. Every couple is different and every person has their own struggles. We neglect our own blessings by focusing on others’. Whether it’s the house across the street or the wreath on our neighbor’s front door, we have to step outside of the competition and walk humbly where God leads us. So many times Rachel and I would say “That must be nice, but we wouldn’t want to live the life they live.” Comparison makes us negate what God is calling us to do. We have to focus on living our own lives well. We know God has called us to give the amount of money we do, to live where we do, to go to the church we do, and to live the way we do. We make these sacrifices joyfully and with the understanding that we won’t be able to keep up with everyone else. Every day we have to fight the temptations lambasting us from every social media site and rumor mill.

Handling envy comes down to awareness; there are good forms and bad forms of awareness. There are the bad forms of awareness like shopping malls, advertisements, and social media. Rachel and I have to stay out of different stores just for the sake of not wanting things we don’t need. We don’t want shopping to become a sport. There are times when we ban social media from our life to focus on being content where we are at. There are times when we don’t even bother to ask others how so-and-so is doing because we don’t want to deal with the temptation of comparing. But while awareness can cause us grief, there are good forms of awareness like donating to amazing charities or praying for certain movements around the world. When I know my twenty bucks can feed 80 people, I am less inclined to buy a steak I’ll enjoy only for a short time. When I know I can build a well for the price of a weekend vacation, I am more content living simply so others might simply live. Rachel and I make every effort to acquire good awareness and leave the bad.

6.      Emotions and Emoticons

Most of the time in marriage, conflict isn’t caused by hard times or angry words, but instead the emotions and attitudes that accompany them. A successful married couple is a couple that can control their emotions well and separate them from their decisions and actions. The resolution of any conflict or disagreement Rachel I might encounter is largely dependent on the emotions we bring. If we are both tired, no conversation will go well; rest or alone time is often the best prescription. If we are distracted, we run the risk of misunderstanding each other’s thoughts and intentions. If we are upset, it is important to know whether we are upset because of something one of us did or because of extenuating circumstances. My dad understood this when he’d ask my mom: “Are you mad at me, or are you just mad?” The answer to that question is crucial! If Rachel is upset with me, I need to repent and do something to fix it. If she is just upset, I need to simply listen and not try to fix the problem. Sometimes a gal just needs someone to listen and understand. As men, we need to quell our impulse to try and fix everything wrong in our woman’s life and just listen.

As Rachel’s mom would always say “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” There is wisdom in that statement to bless every type of relationship on earth, marriage notwithstanding. Learning to communicate in marriage is a skill always needing sharpening and never fully learned. You can’t just say words and hope your spouse hears them. You have to communicate by knowing how your spouse will hear them. For example, since dating Rachel, my text messages have way more exclamations and smiley faces. If I sent her a text like this: “Good job. I love you” she would think I was mad at her! I gotta have those smiley faces and exclamation marks! And yet, sometimes, even emoticons don’t do the trick.

In the first year of marriage, there have been many times where we have had to circle the wagons and come together just to understand what each person was trying to say. While we’ve learned what tone of voice to use, what body language to utilize, and what words to say to make sure we understand each other, we are still novices. We will be learning our entire lives.

7.      Good Intentions
Along with handling emotions, I’ve learned it helps to remember my wife always has good intentions. Never once has she intentionally tried to hurt me and never once have I ever wanted to hurt her. We’ve always wanted the best for each other, but sometimes that’s not good enough. As Ben Rector sings, if you love someone, they’re gonna hurt ya. If you love someone one they’re gonna burn ya, but don’t let that burn you down. When you open up your heart to someone, they are bound to hurt and disappoint you, because they are imperfect. There is only one person who is perfect at all five love languages and that’s Jesus.

This last Christmas, I wanted to give a great gift—as any good husband does. It was our first married Christmas so the pressure was on. Rachel was substitute teaching at the time so I figured: what would be more perfect than a teaching survival kit? I bought the cutest little basket I could find and filled it with stickers and teaching supplies and books and teacher’s jewelry and a gift card to McDonalds for that sweet elixir (tea) on a hard day of teaching. I organized this gift several months in advance because I wanted it to be perfect. Unfortunately, as Christmas approached, Rachel became more and more unsatisfied with her job. By the time Christmas rolled around, she didn’t want to think one more thought about teaching. She was done. Finally, a break from teaching, she thought as Christmas arrived. But lo and behold, she unwrapped her gift from her overly excited and well-intentioned husband and it was nothing but teaching stuff. Cue the waterworks. My gift had furthered her occupational torture. My intentions were the best of the best but my efforts still failed. Good thing Rachel is so patient and forgiving! It really is true that a great marriage consists of two excellent forgivers.

8.      Beautiful Monotony

Marriage has skewed my view of time. It seems like every day, nothing changes, but when you look back, nothing’s the same. The slow erosion of time can grow impatience and boredom. But marriage isn’t out to change the world in a day; it looks to shape the world over a lifetime. In the mundane everyday actions, we can find the power to create powerful testaments to God’s glory over a long distance of time.

In marriage, you do a bunch of really insignificant things, but you have the opportunity to do them in a really significant way. From the outside, marriage can look really boring. Go to work. Do the laundry. Make dinner. Do the dishes. Watch a tv show. Go to bed. Repeat. But marriage is like an electrical outlet: boring on the outside but full of power and excitement on the inside. It’s amazing how much fun grocery shopping or watching a movie can be with your lifelong best friend!

When you have God’s love in the relationship, the ordinary becomes extraordinary. Every moment is an opportunity to either draw closer to each other or farther way. There is no neutral current. I think that’s why people often say you have to fight for your marriage. You can’t just happen into a good marriage. You have to build it. It takes a lot of boring brick-laying.


9.      Planned Spontaneity

Along with the beautiful monotony, I’ve learned how to cultivate planned spontaneity. Rachel and I are both planners, so spontaneity doesn’t come naturally. We like to know what, when, why, where, and how something will happen. Yet, passionate love demands acts of spontaneity. So how do two planners allow passionate love to flow through their air-tight schedules? We plan it! I’ll explain.

In my phone, I have a list of all sorts of cute date ideas and ways to bless Rachel. I know what I want to do, but I leave the when open to interpretation. I know I want to give Rachel flowers when she least expects it, but I need to remind myself every few months. I know I want to whisk my wife away on a magical adventure, but I have to plan a window where spontaneity is allowed to grow. I know I want to fill ordinary moments with romantic passion, but I have to do the legwork first before any spontaneous intimacy can appear. I am always planning and dreaming up ways to bless my wife, but I am always allowing the moment to come in its own time. Rachel and I have learned that for us, planned spontaneity is the way to go. For other more free-spirited couples, spontaneity may be inherent, but they may need to force themselves to do more planning or else their spontaneity will fall flat! In their case, it’s spontaneity planning. Regardless, marriage stays exciting when a couple strives to bless each other in both planned acts of love and spontaneous acts of passion.


10.  Ph.D in Rachel-ology

In a year, Rachel and I have learned oodles of information about each other. We can think each other’s thoughts and communicate without words. But I am only a freshman in my understanding of my wife. I am pursuing my Ph.D in Rachel-ology. I’ve learned marriage necessitates the joy of continually pursuing knowledge about my wife, even as she changes. I’m not just married to Rachel; I’m married to Rachel in 10 years, Rachel in 20 years, and Rachel in 50 years. She is ever changing. There will be days when I will feel like I’m married to a stranger! I can choose to pout or I can choose to study.

Every moment with Rachel is an opportunity to get to know her even better. In love and in loss. In sickness and in health. In wealth and in poverty. In joy and in suffering. In happiness and in mourning. I get to see a million different views of the same beautiful creation. Rachel is a unique piece of the image of God found nowhere else in the world. No one else has the privilege I have. I’m going to study this beautiful treasure until she’s no longer mine to hold.

Couples pursue each other down the aisle, but once they settle into matrimony monotony, they forget to keep dating! I don’t ever want to stop pursuing my wife. There’ll be times when I’m more focused on other things besides her, but she will always be my topic of study. My love for her will be a living thesis.

11.  Love is Self-Denial

In a year of marriage, I’ve learned love and self-denial are one in the same. To love my wife is to deny myself and put her wants and needs above my own. Our culture seems to think love is an emotion. Love is not a paltry feeling that comes and goes. You cannot fall into or out of love—desire is not love. A few folks know love as a verb, but they still don’t comprehend what verb love is. Love wants the ultimate good for the loved object. Love lays down its life for another in thought, action, and deed. In essence, God is love, for God so loved the world He gave His only son. There is no greater love than he who lays down His life for a friend.

If you want to learn how to love, become like the one who is love. Step down from any position you think you have right to and serve. Offer forgiveness where it is undeserved. Remain faithful in times of unfaithfulness. In every way, try to imitate Jesus. To truly love is to pursue Christ. As you grow in love for Christ, you will grow in love for others, your spouse especially.

12.  The Holy Union

Rachel is not the greatest love in my life. Jesus is. But a funny thing happens: when I love Jesus more than Rachel, I end up loving her more than I could love anyone apart from Jesus. There is a holy union between not just myself and Rachel, but myself, Rachel and Jesus. What’s amazing is as I love Rachel more, I love Jesus better. As I love Jesus more, I love Rachel better. It’s kinda like that little triangle diagram your youth minister used to draw about dating, but not as cheesy and much more profound. Just as God is three-in-one, Rachel and I are two-in-one. As confusing as this all sounds, we are inherently connected.

I don’t really understand the complications of what I just explained; as Paul says, marriage is a divine mystery. In the future, I’m sure I’ll look back on this reflection and laugh at how naive I was. Nevertheless, God has taught me so much through the gift of marriage. The first year inside this divine mystery has been mind-bogglingly awesome and I welcome every year to follow as Rachel and I follow in the footsteps of Christ.

Married folk, what are some things you learned?

Other little lessons:
·         Telling someone you’re married at 23 makes people feel weird
·         People will always wonder why you don’t have kids yet
·         Living with a Type-A woman is so much easier than living with 8 college guys
·         Rachel loves the color tiffany blue (most of our furniture is that color)
·         Trader Joe’s has a great flower selection
·         A space heater is a fantastic investment
·         Detroit is as miserable as it sounds
·         St. Thomas and St. John are even more delightful than they look
·         Lexington is a great getaway spot
·         Visiting CSF at UK makes us feel like we’re back at home…and geezers!
·         We still miss Southland. A lot.
·         We don’t miss schoolwork, trekking through campus in the cold, or UKNow e-mails
·         Rachel has seasonal affective disorder…she’s convinced. Hello winter getaways!
·         PF Chang’s frozen meals for 2 are fantastic
·         A pot of beer chili will go a long way in the winter
·         The Opryland Inn: A Gaylord Hotel is not the same thing as the Gaylord Opryland Hotel
·         Money is best spent on experiences
·         The Ann Arbor art fair is really fun
·         We go to the state fair just for a corndog
·         The Christmas craft fair is the best fair in town
·         Uncle Maddio’s on Bardstown is our favorite pizza joint
·         Chick-Fil-A never gets old. Ever. And it always sounds best on Sunday.
·         Groupon is still the way to go. Well, if you do your research!
·         Cable is dumb and too expensive!
·         Packing lunch is better when your wife packs it…and leaves a love letter inside.
·         Traffic on Hurstborne is awful.
·         Moving is a lot of work, but worth it!
·         Target has everything…including Rachel’s number! She could spend hours in there.
·         Grandmas are the best! Really, they are such a blessing.
·         Haircuts are painfully necessary.
·         Wedding season is expensive when you have a million friends getting married within a 3 month span.
·         Costo is fantastic…even if it’s just for the entertainment of walking around and eating free samples.
·         Homemade guacamole is the perfect snack.
·         Never take a free meal for granted.
·         Sunshine makes Rachel happy. And Hawaii!
·         A good church is a huge blessing!
·         We have the best young couple’s small group in the entire world! Really, we prayed for community and God answered our prayers abundantly with this one!