Doing Dating Right

As a married man, I wanted to take a look back at a blog post that I wrote while dating my wife, Rachel. I have seen many amazing couples come together in many, many different ways, and I've learned there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dating in a wise way. However, guidelines are meant to guide, so I wish to look back on my days of dating to offer some wisdom to my friends who are still riding the emotional waves of singleness and courtship. The following is written linearly like a book but with the understanding that we all succumb to the art of ‘skimming’. I would prefer you to read every word, but skim, bookmark, jump around, and re-read as you wish. Without further ado:

The Dating Field Guide

Of all the blog posts I have ever written, the most popular posts by far have been about love, sex, and romance. The topic of relationships seems to be on everyone’s mind all the time. How to scout, initiate, and manage a relationship is profound and so heavily discussed; it is crucial that we get this right. The world offers countless pieces of advice with the integrity of a bendy straw. We are a broken world and our ideas of dating and relationships are sadly skewed.

Why Listen to Me?

But why should you listen to me? How could I possibly think I have the correct answers in this ocean of advice? I can’t say that I have all the answers, but I can say that the way God has led Rachel and I into a relationship is one of the most rewarding, joy-filled experiences I’ve ever had. When you discover something fantastic, like Groupon, Chick-Fil-A, or an old Ben Rector CD, you find yourself under the compulsion to share with everyone who might get the slightest joy out it. It’s the same way here. It’s like I have a remedy to our relationship cancer; I simply must share it with whoever I can! I am not trying to brag, but I simply want to establish credibility: The way Rachel and I began, established, and carried our relationship has been credit worthy. This isn't an O, that’s what love birds always say sort of relationship. We have operated our relationship in a way that is godly, self-sacrificial, and wise in regards to the Bible, the Holy Spirit, and our community, and now that I am through that whole song and dance, I can tell you it was well worth it. I do not write this out of pride, but out of a love for anyone who will listen. The following wisdom is not my own; I do not claim it. It is only by God’s grace and mercy that Rachel and I have done what we have. Furthermore, I am not claiming to know anything profound about marriage except what I've been told. I am still a nuptial newbie. But sometimes it takes someone who has finished the race to give the right perspective on the race course.

Defining Dating

Before we begin, we should define what we even meaning be “dating.” To put it simply:

Dating is entering into an exclusive relationship with another person for the purpose of determining if you should be married to one another.

This isn’t about taking a girl to prom, or hanging out with a friend, or any sort of relationship that this world can define (friends with benefits, talking, texting, etc.). The main purpose of dating someone is to determine if you are to marry them. On the flipside, dating does NOT mean that you WILL marry them. Relationships that end can be just as effective as relationships that end in marriage. Trust me.

Dating without Direction

There are many who date just to date. Tying yourself to someone physically, emotionally, and logistically without the intent to marry them creates a crater in someone’s life when a breakup occurs. Those who have been through a bad breakup can easily understand what damage is done when two people separate. If you go into a relationship with someone without the full knowledge of the end goal of marriage on both sides, the end result is likely to be disastrous. Romantic comedies and high school dramas have fooled us into thinking that casual dating is king. But have romantic movies ever been realistic? Have high school dramas had a life that anyone has wanted to live? Those who don’t dilly dally with the power of romance protect themselves from the destruction of drama. Relationships, friendships, and communities are ruined when people come together in a romantic relationship for the wrong reasons.

Porn and Princesses

Before I can even discuss dating, I must delve into a social force that’s affected us in the worst way. We all know that pornography is terrible for the human mind. Study after study after study shows how the human psyche was not meant for pornography. You don’t need to look very far to see a relationship that has been ravaged by the pain of porn. Yet, while porn has been so destructive to the men in America, women have been under the influence of another powerful form of corrupting media (sorry for sounding like Glenn Beck). Just as porn creates absolutely unrealistic expectations in guys’ minds, romance media establishes absolutely unrealistic expectations in the mind of women. Guys struggle with physical pornography, because men are visually stimulated beings. Women struggle with emotional pornography, because women are emotionally stimulated beings. We have let women run wild with emotional fantasies just as we have let men run wild with sexual fantasies. BOTH have demolished our understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like, leaving us with entirely unrealistic expectations. It’s no wonder we are disappointed. It’s no wonder there is a cornucopia of ladies complaining that all the good guys are gone and that chivalry is dead. It’s no wonder there is a whole army of men seeking the most sexually stimulating women, regardless of whether they are gentle, innocent, or kind. We must realize that our culture does not have our best interest in mind when it tells us how to date.

Four Initial Observations About Dating:

1. Many people date before they are personal prepared for a relationship

We have a terrible habit of assuming that we are even capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. The truth is: a successful relationship starts with who you are, not who you pick. We treat dating prospects like real estate: find the best mate with the most perks for the best price. We are fools in search of someone to fulfill us. God knows that only He can fulfill us, so our very efforts to find our satisfaction in anyone or anything else are futile. Singleness is not a sickness. You are not incomplete without a mate. Your relationship status does not define you. If you haven’t spent a period of time wrestling with singleness, then perhaps you should devote some time to God and not chasing dates. Singleness is a blessing. Singleness prepares you for a relationship, if needed. Singleness is a gift. I’ve seen so many people go from relationship to relationship wondering why they can’t find the satisfaction, why they can’t find “the one”. It’s not about finding ‘the one’. It’s about becoming the one you would want to marry. God’s will for you is who you become, not what you do or who you marry.

2. Many people date individuals who they should not marry

I cannot tell you how many times I have seen people dating someone who they absolutely should not marry. If a relationship is hard now, what makes you think it will get any easier after marriage? It won’t. It will get harder. You can say no to someone all the way up to the wedding day. By breaking up with someone you either shouldn’t wouldn’t marry, you are doing you both a favor. Some people will say “I can change them. They’ll change for me if they love me. They’ll change for me when we get married.” The simple truth is the only person you can change is you. A relationship with someone you should not marry must end no matter how comfortable you are.

3. Many people are unwise in the development of their dating relationships.

This speaks for itself. It is a great amount of work to be wise in a relationship. The more we seek wisdom, the less pain we create for our self and others. One thing to remember: Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. If God is not the center of your relationship, it will not develop in a wise manner.

4. Many people have no idea how to properly evaluate a dating relationship.

Once in a relationship, many people have no idea how to understand if the relationship is going well or if it’s deflating. We need to be able to determine if a relationship is leading towards marriage or the dumpster. The quicker we can understand whether a relationship is worthy or not, the more pain and anguish we can save ourselves from.

That said, I would like to dig into four different pieces of wisdom in dating:

A. How to prepare yourself for a dating relationship

B. How to select a partner for a dating relationship

C. How to wisely navigate a relationship

D. How to properly evaluate a dating relationship

A.    How to Prepare You for a Dating Relationship

Many people assume that they are ready for a dating relationship simply because they want to be in a dating relationship. Many people are wrong. Loneliness is not a qualification for your dating resume. It is wise to make sure you are ready for a relationship before you go looking for one. In order to determine if you, yourself, are ready for a relationship, ask yourself some questions. The following questions will challenge you. If you can correctly answer these questions with honesty, then perhaps you are ready for a God-honoring and joy filled relationship:

-Am I consistently growing in Christlikeness?

-Is my relationship with God the priority in my life?

-Does my life reflect the Godly character and the fruit of the Spirit?

-Am I consistently helping others to grow in Christlikeness?

-Who am I serving?

-What has been the result of my investment into their lives?

-Have I developed a lifestyle of servant heartedness?

-Am I sexually pure?

-Have I honored God with my sexuality for a sustained season?

-Have I allowed God to purify my motives for being in a relationship?

-Am I wise?

-Have I learned to see people and reality from God’s perspective?

-Have I learned to be a good steward of my time and money?

-Have I consistently made good decisions and have followed through with them?

-Have I learned to submissively respond to the authority in my life?

-Am I immersed in authentic, transparent, dependent community?

-It takes a community to know an individual. ~ CS Lewis

-Your dating relationship should not be the primary relationship in your life.

-You should have the blessing of the wise and godly people in your life, helping you to have proper perspective on the above questions.

Who Says I Even Deserve a Relationship?

Since when am I entitled to a relationship? Even if I become the godliest man to walk this earth, it is all because of grace. We get into trouble when believe the lie that we are entitled to anything. True joy comes when we realize we don’t deserve anything, yet God chooses to bless us with many things. And who said that a relationship would solve anything? A relationship will come when it is glorifying to Him if I am living my life to glorify Him. Why would we want a relationship if it would make us less effective at glorifying God?

B.     How to Select a Partner for a Dating Relationship

Now that we have discussed and determined whether you are ready for a relationship, let’s go into how to determine whether the person you are interested in is ready for a dating relationship. The best way to determine if your dating prospect is ready for a godly relationship is to ask the same questions about them as you did for yourself. Determine if they are becoming more like Christ. Figure out who they are serving and leading. Make sure they have been sexually pure for a season. Entering a relationship with someone who is struggling with sexual temptation is not a good idea. It’s okay to date someone who has fallen sexually in the past, so long as the trend doesn’t continue. Extend grace where God has extended grace. Lastly, make sure they are in community. Ask others about them. Ask those wiser than you if dating them would be a good idea. In essence, if would you want your children to grow up to be just like them?

I did an exercise before dating Rachel where I had to list 50 characteristics my ideal mate should or shouldn’t have. You can find my list here. One day I realized that Rachel fit pretty much every single criterion on that list. Needless to say, the choice was easy. Do they have to be perfect? No, because they won’t be. I know Rachel’s weaknesses well, and I will learn about them more and more as life goes on. Again, you aren’t evaluating property or whether or not to buy the new iPhone.

C.    How to Wisely Navigate a Dating Relationship

So you and your prospective date have decided that a relationship would be good for you both. Congratulations! That’s always exciting. Let me share some wisdom with you.

Initial Stages

The first few months of a relationship are always crucial. Whether you see “talking” or announcing your new found exclusivity to the Facebook world as the beginning of your relationship, how you operate with your new dating partner is crucial the how the relationship grows. In preparation for our relationship, Rachel and I got together and talked about things we could be praying for as we walked down the road of determining whether we really want to date. We also discussed our expectations for what a dating relationship looks like. Communication is so important in a relationship so Rachel and I literally sat down together and wrote a document of what to pray for/what to expect (NERD ALERT). We called it our PPP document (Preparation, Patience, and Purification). We knew that prayer was crucial to this decision. We also knew that we needed to be on the same page. We know we are weirdos; it’s okay. If your dating partner doesn’t want to feel like an attorney, that’s okay too! I’m just going to copy and paste exactly what we wrote together. I’m not saying you should do exactly as we did. We’re both planners and Type A personalities, so this worked for us. I’m not even saying you need to have the same expectations for a relationship or pray about the same things, but you absolutely should communicate with each other. The following is our Preparation, Patience, and Purification Document. Enjoy.

What to pray for until January:

·         Sole devotion remains in Christ. We can’t become each other’s idols. Should avoid prayers where it becomes “thank you for him/her” instead of “thank you God for you”.

·         Purity

·         Emotional preparedness/resilience

·         Patience. Wisdom. Humility. Trust. Fruit of the Spirit

·         Open communication in good times and bad

·         That we would be more effective together than apart. More like Jesus. Glorifies the Father (makes Him smile)

·         To be a prominent example of Christ’s love and sacrifice

·         To be set apart. To be an example. To lead others as we lead each other.

·         To not let the pressure and social expectations of a relationship hinder us

·         To have fun. No drama.

·         To encourage, build and challenge one another

·         To pray for all of the above things for ourselves and each other.

Guidelines, boundaries and expectations:

·         No kissing/ “I love you” till engagement

o   Helps with other boundaries

o   Even more meaning

o   I want your body to be the last thing I get to know/love

o   I won’t kiss your lips until I am ready to hold your heart

·         Be wise. No touching for the sake of excitement. Be willing to pump the brakes.

·         Don’t be out past midnight alone (unless extenuating circumstances).

·         Realize that Satan will try to use this against us. Pray continually. Use the sword of the Word. Armor of God.

·         Realize that we are both very inexperienced (remain humble/understanding/gentle/teachable)

·         Communicate, especially in times of conflict

·         Partnership/Team/Christ is leader/ “Follow me as I follow Him”

·         Sacrifice/ consider each other better than ourselves

·         Protect when needed

·         Save paying for meals for dates/special occasions

·         Meaningful gifts, not pricey

·         Healthy balance of time together/apart

·         Don’t be legalistic but always analyze intentions (It should be simple and effortless)

·         Serve our friends. Love our friends. Bake for our friends. Make time for friends.

·         We trust each other around other friends

·         Love each other’s families. Open to parents/elders influence. Listen to our friends advice.

I can’t tell you how monumental and profound doing the PPP document was. God truly answered our prayers and prepared us for an absolutely amazing adventure with each other. One thing to notice is that we waited to kiss or say “I love you” until we got engaged. It was hard, but it was so worth it. I would recommend it to anyone willing. You’ll also notice that we also made sure not to be alone after midnight. As my grandpa always said: “Nuthin’ good happens after midnight.” We discussed our expectations from dates to gift giving. By knowing what each other thought a healthy relationship looked like, we were ready to begin a healthy relationship of our own.

As the Relationship Proceeds

There are five key areas to monitor during your relationship: Time, Emotions, Touch, Groups, and Mentors

Time: The most valuable commodity

The amount of time that you spend with your significant other should correspond to the significance and seriousness of your relationship. Spending the bulk of your time with your dating companion early on is likely not a wise decision. Many couples start dating and then whisk away into the sunset only to leave a void in their friendships, jobs, and grades. As your relationship with another proceeds, so too should the amount of time you spend with them. If you and your sugar bear only last a month, it will save you the heartache when your friends don’t ask where you’ve been for the past month. When Rachel and I started dating, we had one on one time only about once or twice a week, and we spent the rest of our time together in groups or serving.

Starting out, your boyfriend or girlfriend should never take significance over God (obviously), your family, or your friends. As you two grow closer together, your significant other begins to climb the chain. Soon he/she becomes more important than your friends (once engaged), then your family (once married). However, your significant other should never become more important than Jesus. He is always your number one priority. How you spend your money, your time, and your thought life indicates what you love most.  As you begin to care for and love your significant other, they receive more of those three things. However, the amount of money, time, and thoughts you spend on your significant other should not dwarf the amount of those things you spend on Jesus. He was your first love; He is your highest love. It’s through Jesus’ love that you even have a good relationship with your significant other.

In terms of one-on-one time, I would suggest no more than one date per week and 1-2 casual hangouts per week. Keep the rest group centered or service oriented. Also, be mindful of texting throughout the day or late at night. You don’t want to communicate through texting so much that being together in person loses meaning. As your relationship develops, you will be able to find a healthy pattern.

 It is impossible to overemphasize the blessing of being friends before you are a boyfriend-girlfriend. Rachel and I were friends for a year before we started dating, which allowed us to truly get to know each other without acting or putting on a show. You should keep in mind that everyone puts their best foot forward for at least 6 months. If you are friends, you get to see who the person really is. I recommend you be friends with a person for at least 3-6 months before you consider dating them. Friendship is the basis of marriage. If you don’t develop a friendship first, then you’ll love what the person has to offer you rather than the person themselves. You aren’t looking for just a roommate.

Emotions: The most illusive commodity

Above all else, guard you heart, for from it flows the wellspring of life.

             ~Proverbs 4:23

Do not awaken love until it so desires.

            ~Song of Songs 2:7

Strive to keep your emotional connectedness to a person in line with what your community thinks is wise, and also. what you have clearly expressed to one another. The more you connect to someone emotionally, the more integrated with them you will be, and thus, the harder it will be to separate. This will take a lot of work and a lot of modesty.

Touch: The most powerful commodity

There are five love languages; people who are dating seem to always assume theirs is touch.

Once touching commences as normal activity in a relationship, attachment becomes nearly unavoidable. You can’t really go backwards in a relationship touch wise, you can only go forward. Once you start cuddling, you feel like you have to always cuddling. Once kissing starts, it continues, and so on and so forth. If your relationship can’t stand apart from regular physical touch, it probably shouldn’t be standing at all. Physical touch with someone you are attracted to clouds your ability to think clearly. If you are not ready to hold their heart, don’t kiss their lips. My personal advice to people is to not kiss until engaged. Besides, the longer you wait to break out each stage of touching, the more exciting and new each stage is. Once Rachel and I got used to hugging, it was about time to start holding hands. Once we got tired of holding hands, it was about time to start sitting close and putting my arm around her. Once we got tired of that, we waited to kiss. Kissing blessed our time between the first ring and the second, and now, we have nothing but unhindered, guilt-free intimacy with one another. From a practical standpoint, if you time it just, things will always be fresh and exciting. But that’s not always possible.

A big mistake is to rush touch. Time is on your side. You can always wait longer, but once you cross that line, you can never go back. If you are even considering sex before marriage, that is a problem. There are so many reasons to save yourself. I write more on sex here.

Groups: The most helpful commodity

A wise thing to do is to spend a large amount of time in natural, social environments. Rachel and I love hanging out with friends and serving them together. In fact, Rachel and I met and grew together by serving others together. Being in a community with your significant other does wonders for your relationship. It is so important to share your friends with your significant other. It is a tragedy when a couple has two separate groups of friends. It’s not you and your significant other versus the world. You’re just as much a part of a community as you are a part of a relationship. If you don’t have people outside of your relationship to help and grow with you, then you are severely lacking in resources. The importance of being friends with your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s friends is absolutely prodigious.

Ask if people sense your relationship is natural, edifying, enjoyable, etc. If your friends don’t approve of your relationship, then maybe it just isn’t right. However, you should be aware that you are listening to wise and loving friends, not those whose stir of strife and contention. When Rachel and I started dating we had so much support from our community. We really sought the blessing of our friends and elders and we received it. However, we felt the full weight of gossip and criticism as well. People are going to talk, so be sure you know when to listen and when to clog your ears.

Mentors: The most weighty commodity

This isn’t popular advice, but you really should include your parents and mentors in your love life. Submit your life to older, wiser, godlier people who are modeling the type of life, marriage, and family that you hope to have someday. Ask your mentors if they think the steps you are taking are wise. Ask your mentors if they see any pitfalls or blind spots in your relationship, your decisions, your thinking, etc. The people outside your relationship have a view of it that you don’t. Sometimes they don’t understand, but sometimes they see areas of improvement that you’ll never see.

D.    How to Properly Evaluate a Dating Relationship

There are four helpful lenses to view your relationship with: Character, Compatibility, Chemistry, and Calling.

1.            Character—Are they truly a good person?

The first question that must be asked is: “Does this person truly love God?”

Are they honest?

Do they follow through on things they have committed to?

Do you honestly want your children to end up like this person some day?

Have you seen marked growth in their lives in targeted areas of deficiency?

2.      Compatibility—Are they truly an aligned person?

Does this person want similar things out of life as you do?

What are your expectations for a family?

Do your personalities actually fit one another’s?

Are you passionate about the same things?

3.      Chemistry—Are they truly a natural person?

Do you genuinely enjoy being around this person?

Would the idea of a 10 hour car ride with them excite you?

Do you like who the other person really is?

Are you physically attracted to the other person?

4.      Calling—Are they truly the right person?

What does God think about this relationship?

When you pray, do you sense peace and affirmation, or uncertainty and hesitation?

By evaluating your relationship with these questions, you can understand whether you two are going to be successful or strife-filled. It’s okay if your relationship doesn’t check out with every single question; you’ll never find a perfect person. However, you should use these questions to determine areas to grow for you and your mate. If there are several questions that your relationship or your mate can’t live up to, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate whether you should be dating them at all. With all things, let prayer and scripture guide you. I could give you so much advice, but true remedies come by just spending time with Jesus.

Conclusion

When dating, you are basically determining if you should be helpmates with this person on your journey to the throne room of Heaven; you are determining if they are the person you want to unite yourself with and give your life for to present one another before God. The main reason I married Rachel was to make me look more like Jesus. Relationships ought to be more about holiness than they are about happiness. But instead, the way most do dating resembles home buyers looking for the best mortgage. My relationship with Rachel won’t be normal because normal isn’t working these days.

Have Fun

Lastly, have fun in your relationships. Don’t overanalyze anything to the point of exhaustion. God wants His children to be joyous. He provides us wisdom so that we can navigate the traps and trials of this life. It is for freedom that He set us free. Let’s not kill ourselves trying to obey every rule. That’s the beauty of grace.

I remember Relevant Magazine posting an article entitled “How to go on an actual date”. The premise was we spend so much time texting and worrying about rejection and not being intentional that we dance around the issue and never actually have fun with it. What was funny was about 3 or 4 of my (single) female friends reposted it. So men, the ball is in your court. Go on some dates!

Finally, I will end with fourteen words of wisdom for non-married people

Via Dan Hamel

1.      Don’t be in a hurry to date. Do not awaken love until it so desires.

2.      If you find someone you like, don’t rush into a relationship. Give things time—you need to get to know a person

3.      Grow in God when you are single. As I’ve seen it, it is really hard to grow in two relationships at the same time, at least with a lot of intensity.

4.      Don’t date someone unless you are ready to be married and you could reasonably expect them to be your spouse.

5.      Don’t feel pressure to make dating relationships work. Dating relationships that end are just as effective as dating relationships that end in marriage.

6.      Avoid sexual gratification through masturbation.

-We need to talk about this because I’m guessing 95% of guys I know struggle with it and somewhere between 30-40% of girls (though they are less apt to discuss it).

-We almost never hear about this. I never heard about this in church!

-I never heard about it from a parent or a trusted authority

10 reasons I want to admonish you to avoid it!

-It is, in essence, selfish…the root of all sin

-Because it is selfish, it doesn’t prepare you for marital sex (either practically or mentally)

-It doesn’t represent God’s plan for orgasm or for sexuality in marriage.

-It produces guilt

-It leads to loneliness (after orgasm the body releases chemicals that result in intense bonding…in marriage, that is perfect. In masturbation, that is depressing.)

-It becomes habitual and addictive

-The bible says not to be mastered by anything. (1 Cor 6:12)

-It is the opposite of self control—the fruit of the Spirit

-Romans 14:22 Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves.

-I cannot think of a single way it will help you look, live or love more like Jesus.

7.      Avoid sexual gratification through touching or being touched by another person

To be honest, when I was growing up, since no one ever talked about sex in my family or in church—it wasn’t until I was 16 and we took a survey in my youth group about what everyone thought was “too far” that I realized things could be way too far that weren’t sex. All I ever heard was “no sex until marriage.”

Avoid intentionally exciting yourself or another person in the sort of way that elicits sexual arousal in you or them.

In this I would include kissing to the point of arousal, necking, touching sexual parts of the body or caressing of any part of the body. Each of these actions naturally lead to sexual arousal, which means they are intended for marriage.

What good are you accomplishing through fondling another person?

8.      Avoid unnecessary sexual stimulation.

-With the movies you watch: Would you blush if Jesus were in the room?

-With the conversations you have (some conversations with your friends are counter-productive)

-With the media you consume on the internet (facebook is huge!—I know so many guys who talk about giving into sexual sin after looking through facebook pictures of THEIR FRIENDS)

-I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. (Job 31:1)
-This is honestly a really good test to see if you are a slave or free when it comes to sexual sin. When something like this comes your way, what does it result in you doing?

9.      When you are tempted sexually, turn your desire and attention towards God.

Once you recognize that there is a desire in your heart or mind, acknowledge it before God outloud, then confess that your greatest desire is for God-to know him, love him, obey him and seek his delight. Then say, because I want you more than anything else, I refuse to follow this desire, I commit to follow you.

Pray for an ever-increasing love for God and for an ever-increasing delight in obeying his commands. “The expulsive power of a new affection.”

You know one of the most effective ways to get over a person you had a crush on? Fall in love with someone new…especially if they are someone better!!

10.  Submerge your mind in scripture every day.

-Simply praying and asking God to remove this sin isn’t going to practically do much (I’m speaking from talking with dozens and dozens and dozens of guys)

-Romans 12

-Matthew 4

-five out of seven days isn’t enough.

-Two out of seven days isn’t enough.

-Every day if you are in the process of breaking free from sexual addiction.

11.  Stay busy with things that matter.

I’m not talking about over committing yourself, (though college students are, by in large, some of the lazier people I know).

I am talking about keeping your mind busy (Philippians 4:8-9) Whatever is true, whatever is noble…etc.

If you go to bed and the first thing you do is read a chapter of the bible and then the second thing you to is thank God for 10 blessings he gave you that day and the third thing you do is pray for your family and friends…you’ll be asleep by the time you would otherwise have given into sexual sin.

Biblical example from Ephesians 4:28 “He who has been stealing but steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.”

 (1)Remove this (2) Replace it with this (3) Results in this…your reward (Greater than before)

12.  Stay connected to Christian community.

-Spend time with people who care about and are committed to your purity.

-They may be more committed to your purity than you are…that will be helpful (because it is a picture of God’s commitment to you)—fasting or sleeping outside because of people’s sin.

Stay connected to a wide range of people—not just friends your age…but in their thirties and fifties…etc. Get to know elders at your church, befriend people who are living the type of life you want to live 10-30 years down the road.

If you really care about community, you’ll stop sinning. (Do you know what one person’s sin does to a community?? Look up the story of Achen.

Revival might have broken out in Lexington if it weren’t for the sexual sin of Christians

This campus might have become entirely Christian if it weren’t for sin of students

The prayer of a RIGHTEOUS man is powerful and effective.

13.  Strive to think of people as God does and to see them in light of eternity.

Ask for every person you see, who you might lust after or think about using, “God, what is your heart for this person?” You created them, you love them, what good are you trying to bring about in their life?

Its pretty hard to exploit someone sexually if you are thinking about either spending eternity with them in heaven as your brother or sister.

Or if you can picture them eternally suffering, separate from God.

14.  Resolve to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Maybe it will be a spouse, maybe it will be the grace and freedom to be single and satisfied, but all things will be added until you.