Sometimes I just have to step back at look at all my actions and ask myself: why did I do these things? Sometimes I need to step outside of my mind and ask: what have I been thinking about lately? It is so easy to get lost in your actions and carried away with your thoughts. So often, we can get so wrapped up in ourselves that the moment we break free is the moment we can finally breathe again. And ultimately, after all is thought and all is done, I have to see if I am really allowing God’s kingdom to come in my life. But what I forget too often is that for the Kingdom of God to rule in my life, my kingdom is going to have to get outta here. There is only room for one king.
Unfortunately, it seems the thing I most want to leave, my ego, is the thing is that hardest to remove. Gary Black says it a different way: The thing most worthy of death is often the most resistant to it: ego. There is one vice which no man in the world is free; which everyone in the world loathes when he sees it in someone else; and of which hardly any people, except Christians, ever imagine that they are guilty of themselves… And at the same time I have very seldom met anyone, who was not a Christian, who showed the slightest mercy to it in others. There is no fault which makes a man more unpopular, and no fault which we are more unconscious of in ourselves. And the more we have it in ourselves, the more we dislike it in others. The vice I am talking of it Pride or Self-Conceit: and the virtue opposite is humility. Ask yourself, How much do I dislike it when other people snub me, or refuse to take any notice of me, or shove their oar in, or patronize me, or show off? Greed may drive men into competition if there is not enough to go round; but the proud man, even when he has got more than he could possible want, will try to get still more just to assert his power. It is Pride which has been the chief cause of misery in every nation and every family since the world began. But when you let God’s kingdom come in, you come up against something which is in every respect immeasurably superior to yourself. Unless you know God as that—and, therefore, know yourself as nothing in comparison—you do not know God at all. As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people: and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you. The real test of being in the presence of God is, that you either forget about yourself altogether or see yourself as a small, dirty object. It is better to forget about yourself altogether. For pride is spiritual cancer: it eats up the very possibility of love, or contentment, or even common sense. But I should note that pleasure in being praised is not pride. The trouble begins when you pass from thinking, ‘I have pleased Him; all is well,’ to thinking, ‘What a fine person I must be to have done it.’ In fact, if you really get into any kind of touch with Him, and if you let His kingdom rule in your life, you will be humble—delightedly humble, feeling the infinite relief of having for once got rid of all the silly nonsense about your own dignity which has made you restless and unhappy all your life. It is at the humble times in my life that I am ridiculously joyful. Furthermore, when you meet a humble person, probably all you will think about him is that he seemed a cheerful, intelligent person who took a real interest in what you said to him. He will not be thinking about humility; he will not be thinking about himself at all.
C.S. Lewis puts it like this:
“The Christian way is different: harder, and easier. Christ says ‘give me All. I don’t want so much of your time and so much of your money and so much of your work: I want You. I have not come to torment you natural self, but to kill it. No half-measures are any good. I don’t want to cut off a branch here and a branch there, I want to have the whole tree down. Hand over your whole natural self, all the desires which you think innocent as well as the ones you think wicked—the whole outfit. I will give you a new self instead. In fact, I will give you Myself: my own will shall become yours.’ Dozens of people go to Him to be cured of some particular sin which they are shamed of (like masturbation or physical cowardice) or which is obviously spoiling daily life (like bad temper or drunkenness). Well, He will cure it all right: But He will not stop there. That may be all you asked; but if you call Him in, He will give you the full treatment. He warned people to ‘count the cost’ before becoming Christians. ‘Make no mistake,’ He says, ‘if you let me, I will make you perfect. The moment you put yourself in My hands, that is what you are in for. Nothing less, or other, than that. You have free will, and if you choose, you can push Me away. But if you do not push Me away, understand that I am going to see this job through. Whatever suffering it may cost you in your earthly life, whatever inconceivable purification it may cost you after death, whatever it costs Me, I will never rest, nor let you rest, until you are literally perfect—until my Father can say without reservation that He is well pleased with you, as He said He was well pleased with me. This I can do and will do. But I will not do anything less’. God is easy to please, but hard to satisfy. This process of letting God’s kingdom in will be long and in parts very painful, but that is what we are in for. Nothing less. He meant what He said."
So I look at my thoughts. Am I thinking about what God wants to do in this person or that one? Am I looking to build up those around me? Am I humbling myself and praying earnestly for ALL the people I interact with, not just those who I like? Or am I just worrying about my grades, whether people like me or not, whether I am in the most entertaining conversations, whether I can crack the right joke or say the deepest turn of phrase?
The key question is not “Why am I here?” or “What am I doing?” The question is “Who am I?”and “Who am I becoming?” Am I watching my Father’s kingdom come and His will be done? Once I figure that out, I’ll know what I’m doing and what to do. So let’s allow God to build his kingdom as ours crumble.