The War on Grumbling

Thanksgiving is a great topic (and holiday) to reflect on, but while I could go on and on about how thanksgiving leads to joy and contentment and yada yada yada, I’d rather spend this blank slate of electronic characters discussing the opposite of giving thanks: grumbling.

Quail Complaining

In one of my favorite examples of God’s humor, God shows the Israelites just how much He hates grumbling. In Numbers 11, you have the Israelites in the desert with Moses. If you don’t know much about the Israelites, know that they suffer from whiny amnesia. Miracle after miracle, they forget who God is and complain about their circumstances. In the desert, there isn’t much food really, so to sustain His people, God poured out fresh manna from heaven every day. It was the original Mountain Dew. But after a while, the Israelites got bored with this magical elixir from the sky and they started saying how they wish they were back in slavery where they could eat fish freely. It’s easy to laugh at these guys, but I know what it’s like to be hangry; I can sympathize. They literally begged for meat. Even Moses couldn’t stand listening to these people wail one more moment, so he asked God to do something. In fact, Moses was so tired of their grumbling that he said “fix this or just kill me now!” Like any father, God got a little upset that His children wouldn’t eat the perfectly good food He set before them. But He didn’t starve them like I probably would have. Instead, God swept up a huge flock of quail from the sea and made it rain delicious pheasant on them. There was so much quail, they were literally swimming in it; there was quail piled up 3 feet high in every direction, enough for each person to have over 2000 lbs to themselves. That’s a TON of quail (pun intended). The Israelites ate quail for a month straight; they ate enough to make them all sick. The people were ungrateful and full of grumbling, so God punished them with their own request. There’s no doubt that God hates grumbling.

At first glance, I typically reduce the Israelites down to a bunch of woosies. Yet, I’m no different from them. I get so caught up in what I don’t have that I forget what I do have. And when I finally get what I want, I say “About time! Took long enough!” The Lord is patient indeed.

First Class Complaining

Over the weekend, Kyle Idleman told a story about a time when he got bumped up to first class and sat next what he described as a “professional complainer”. Anything and everything was wrong, and this guy had the facts to prove it. In fact, he was so astute at offering grievances that he happened to mention “Since this plane was built, the average butt size of the passengers in coach have grown over 6 inches. Look it up. It’s true”. Buoyed in a cushioned flying seat moving over 300 mph through the sky, all this guy could think about was how the brilliant light coming through the window was too bright. Talk about crotchety. As Kyle was leaving the plane, he struck up a conversation with the flight attendant to apologize for the first class party pooper. Without batting an eye, the flight attendant responded “Oh, we expect that from our first class customers. First class always complains more than coach.”

Her response struck a frayed chord in the wired chaos of my mind. Not only does an increase in standard of living have little effect on my contentedness as a person, but it seems to actually prevent it. Perhaps that’s why the ostracized orphans in Africa find so much joy in what little they have. Perhaps that’s why a leper left on the outskirts on society can worship with abundant joy to the old hymn, Count Ye Many Blessings. Perhaps that’s why when kids in Haiti are given something tremendously valuable to them, their first impulse is to share it with everyone around them. It turns out that comfort doesn’t lead to contentment, but it can actually work against it.

Black Friday: When we go out and fight over things we want the day after we said we were thankful for all we had. I’m not bashing the tradition—Rachel and I had a blast shopping on Black Friday—I’m just pointing out a trend. If the world is an airplane, America is first class. While most in this world are thankful for the bare necessities, we get jealous when another iPhone comes out 6 months after we bought ours. When I find myself not being intentionally thankful like I do on Turkey Day, I turn into a grumbling Grinch. Likewise, my income is poised to keep growing, so I need to be vigilant to keep my increasing abundance from becoming increasing discontent. Fortunately, Jesus knows just the thing: invest it in others!

The War on Grumbling

I’m tired of being ungrateful. Paul admonishes us to be joyful always, pray continually, and give thanks in all circumstances. In other words, he tells us to declare war on grumbling and battle ingratitude with contentedness. Our Father in Heaven is such a good father, so we can trust that He’s given us the exact amount of gifts we can handle. A good father doesn’t spoil their child with every selfish request nor do they let their children go without all their needs fulfilled. If we pray and don’t receive, we can trust that it’s not what we need. God is so jealous for our affection; He knows that we were meant to run off of His love. Don’t think God won’t remove anything that is keeping you from Him.

When you find yourself next to a thankful person, it’s infectious; you have no choice but to see the good things and be thankful. Join me in declaring a war on grumbling. Our lives—and our relationships—will be much improved because of it.

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Christian Finance: The Practicality

When it comes to managing money, I struggle to know whether I’m doing all of the right things. Maybe that’s why I frequently peruse the latest financial advice and find myself asking what would Dave Ramsey do? Finance is one of those no-one-right-answer topics, along with relationships, career, parenting, and so on. Because of that, I know there is no way to prescribe some miracle pill of financial advice—especially at the ripe age of 22. However, one thing I do know is that giving is important (and fun!). But being the left-brained, analytics data junkie that I am, I crave practicality. I get it that I am supposed to give, but tell me when, where, why, and how. I love being told that I should live simply so that others might simply live, but when it comes to the dollars and cents, what does that even mean?

It gets lonely when you stop trying to keep up with the Jones’. This world of advertising bent on reducing the typical human into a materialistic vacuum makes me cry out like Charlie Brown: Does anyone know the true meaning of generosity?! In the following words, I am purposefully laying my financial heart bare. I just want others to know that you aren’t the only one struggling to be generous. So come along with me as I tell of some of the ways God has blessed me so that I can bless others. If we don’t encourage each other to find the true meaning of generosity, who will?

Compassion Kids

When I was a freshman in college, my local college ministry had a Compassion event. If you’re not familiar with what that is, it’s when they handle out packets of information about children who make the “struggle bus” look like a Rolls-Royce. They might as well play In the Arms of the Angel and give out free puppies with each purchase. That night, I was unable to prevent myself from feeling pain with them; I had fallen victim to compassion. I walked over to the table to peruse the pretty little faces on those cards. It felt like trying to pick a new best friend. I landed on little Joseph from Ghana. There was nothing special about him. He didn’t have puppy dog eyes or a cleft palette. He just so happened to be where my finger landed. To sponsor to Joseph, it would cost 45 dollars a month. As a college freshman, it felt like I was giving away my fun money; now I know it’s barely a water drop in the ocean of material blessing that I swim. Ever since then, I’ve ponied up the monthly payment and tried my hardest to remember to write little JoJo a letter every few months. I can tell you now that it was one of the greatest investments of my life. I can’t explain to you what it feels like to be responsible to for the physical, spiritual, and economic development of a human being that you have never me; Often times, I’ve felt the full weight of the joy of the Father.

On May 18^th, I married my beautiful wife, and we committed to another compassion child: Dayana, born on May 18^th. We plan on adding to our compassion family for each biological child that may come our way as well, each one bearing the same birthday as our child. If you don’t sponsor a child, then you have no way of understanding this joy. You’re missing out.

A Holy Investment

Right before marrying Rachel, we asked God to show us how to honor Him with our money. His first answer was to add a compassion child for each significant life event, as described above. His second was the following: For each year Rachel and I are married, we will increase our tithe 1%. Right now, we haven’t even been married a year, so we only give 10 percent of our pre-tax income; after 10 years of marriage, we’ll be up to 20%; after 50 years—you guessed it—we will be up to 60%. I think it’s just as crazy as you do; trust me. But I guarantee you that at the end of my life “I will never say that I gave too much.” Will I succeed at this daunting financial waterfall? I have no idea. But I know that God is faithful so that means I can be too.

Operation Christmas Child

Rachel and I just filled our Operation Christmas Child boxes with toys and our hearts with joys. I don’t care how cheesy that statement was, it’s true.

Epic Meal Time

While piling 20 cheeseburgers onto a bacon covered pizza like the epic meal time guys is fun, giving up 20 cheeseburgers so that others can have 4 times as much is an even better time. Through organizations like Feed My Starving Children and many others, it only costs 25 cents to provide a meal to someone without one. That’s 4 meals to a dollar; beat that McDonalds! Become a real dollar menu-naire and give up a meal so others may have many meals. If you’ve never fasted before, then try a new way of “hungering and thirsting for righteousness”. The thankfulness you feast on far outweighs the pain in your stomach.

Here’s a Tip

How can it be that some Christians are the worst tippers in the world? It’s amazing what an extra $20 on top of a tip can do for someone’s life. Rach and I love writing a quick prayer on the back of the receipt, leaving a Samson-sized tip, and explaining that because God loves us, we can love them.

Pay It Backwards

This one is just plain fun: go through the drive-thru and pay for the person’s meal behind you. See if you can find a Chevy Tahoe filled with a stressed soccer mom and her 6 kids to bless. The great thing is you can get the drive-thru workers to join in on the fun. If you’re lucky, they’ll continue the trend. God’s love multiplies

Every time I give money, I never regret it. Go do something you won’t regret. Go invent other creative ways to give and tell me about them. Let’s teach each other how to give and spurn each other to love with our money. 

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Christian Finance: The Owner

An interesting thing happens when I have to spend money where I would rather not. I become indignant. Why must I spend MY money on that? I earned it. I am in control of it. I feel like it is being stolen from me unjustly by this purchase. But where did I get this notion of ‘my money’? When you stumble across a twenty dollar bill, is it then yours? How long before the deed is transferred, so to speak, to officially proclaim that you now own that twenty dollar bill and have full reign over it?

We become very obsessed with which money is mine. You don’t have to look very far to see marriages crumble because of a dispute between who has the right to each dollar bills. In fact, in my own life, my money and Rachel’s money became ‘our’ money. I don’t earn so and so per year; we do. She doesn’t get a certain chunk of change every time she subs, we do. Money is a possessive thing—perhaps the most possessive thing—and we are all very attuned to how much we possess.

The Misleading Tithe

There is the standard in the Christian church today to give 10% of your pre-tax dollars to the church—though you could hardly call it a standard since studies show evangelical Christians only really tithe at about 3-4%. But this idea can be misleading in how our money relates to us. Many find the tithe to be God’s tax on happiness: you must pay your dues or God will be angry with you. Others, those of the more legalist type, will take pride in their 10% and see the rest as theirs to spend in whatever way they choose. But the tithe is about as misunderstood as a middle schooler at a Homecoming dance. In fact, if you think you’re hot stuff for tithing 10% (since most don’t), you might want to understand that the Jews tithed their “first” 10%, otherwise known as the first fruits. That means that they gave their best cattle, their best spices, their best everything, which would really equivocate to about 20-30% of their worth. But that’s beside the point; tithing was never meant to be a utensil of religiosity. You can see that when Jesus points out the poor widow penny tithe versus the Pharisees’ coin toss. We do well to understand that God doesn’t only want 10%, He wants all of it. Let’s get one thing straight… your car, your college education, your cell phone, your job, your 401k—you didn’t acquire any of it on your own. It was all a gift.

The Investor

Imagine I went to a financial advisor—we’ll call him financial advisor Frank—and said, “I want to invest $10,000 dollars. Here is my money; make it grow”. I do, after all, have a job and a wife; this is something I have to think about now. Now imagine that the next week, I saw friendly little Frank with a brand new Rolex watch, one that runs about, let’s say, $10,000 MSRP. I ask Frank, “That’s a nice watch! Where did you get it?” Frank, with that coy little smile of his, responds “Oh you know those 10 Gs you gave me? BOOM! Right on my wrist.” Now, do you think I would be a happy investor with financial advisor Frank? Heck no! I would fire him, tell all my friends to never use him, and press charges (though the Jesus in me would forgive him and let it go, but that’s beside the point).

Now take that little investor parable and reconcile it with Jesus’ parable about the three servants, who each received a nice little investment. The two servants who took the money and ambitiously (dangerously) invested it got a hearty high five and got to party with the master. But the last servant thought the master to be a stiff man and feared his wrath (much like many people think God is against them and disappointed in them, thus misrepresenting who He really is). The third servant just sat on the money and did nothing with it. He thought “Hey, if I just try to be a good person and not harm anyone, I’ll be rewarded.” But the master scolded the third servant and sent him away. He could have at least invested it into a bank, the safest of bets that accrue interest.

The Point

So what am I trying to say with all these two pence parables? All the money (and stuff) you have is God’s; He just gives it to you to invest. Now, you’ll use some for “overhead” like eating and living and good stuff like that. Like a good Father, He wants you to be well cared for (and you will be well cared for if you love and obey Him!). But much of His investment in you is to be fruitful and multiply. Use your money, your time, your talents, and your love to invest into others and multiply God’s love and light all around you. You were meant to be a continuous river of blessing: God’s love and provision flows through you into the lives of others. You were not created to be a stagnant, stinky, bury-your-money-in-the-back-yard person. You can be sure of this: it’s not your money that God wants, but your joy and well-being. He knows that if money just sits in your life and is spent over and over on yourself, you will be miserable. Likewise, tithing is like a vaccine to soul-sickening greed: just a little bit of it prevents the full born illness. It’s no secret that the poorest of poor are found to be happier than the richest of rich.

The Father of Gifts

When I pray, it’s as if I am asking God for twenty dollars to buy him a gift. I have nothing and I can give God nothing He’s not already given me. It’s another image of child-like faith. The Father says: “Son, I love you. What would you like me to give you?” and we respond “Father, I love you. Give me some resources or some opportunities to bless you.” God is an amazing Father and He gives us so many gifts to enjoy. Indeed, the best gift is the gift of loving Him back. Jesus is the owner of everything and there is nothing that He cannot provide. If I truly believe that He is a butt-ton smarter than I am, I can believe there is a reason I don’t have a billion dollars; it would corrupt me. Money is one of the only temptations we are just fine with embracing.

The Neutrality

Money is neither good nor evil; it is the love of money that is the root of all evil. Money is neutral. Bill Gates has the same opportunity to be holy as the poor criminals you see in the local news. However, money magnifies the heart. Most people can’t handle the temptation of the love of money. Is it any surprise that most who win the lottery buy themselves a one way ticket to miserable discontentment? Where your treasure is, your heart will be also. How you invest your money shows what you really care about. So let’s magnify our Father, our Savior, and the Holy Spirit that ties it all together. You are in charge of what God has given you. You have every opportunity to invest it relentlessly for His glory. It’s not how much you give, but how much you keep. He has promised that He will always provide, so it’s like an unlimited bank account. Spend as much of yourself as you can!

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Christian Finance: The Importance

Over the past 6 months, Jesus has taught me all about money. I wouldn’t dare say I am a financial guru. In fact, I am quite the novice; I am still learning how to budget! But money is one of those topics where you could talk for days and days and days about it, and yet, we choose to rarely talk about it at all. When someone tells you how much they make, it’s like they dropped an F bomb. When people can see what money I spend, they can see all the dumb decisions I’ve made, all the things I care about, all my guilty pleasures, and how selfish I am. But money is way too important not to talk about.

The wisdom I’ve learned about money has been brewing inside of me and I just want to organize it into one coherent thought. You—O lucky reader—get to join in on this smorgasbord of financial ponderings. I won’t be able to fit this all into one blog post (Hooray for those with short attention spans!). But nevertheless, what is about to follow is a series of posts on what I’ve learned about money. So like Scrooge Mcduck diving into a pile of gold coins, let’s jump right in.

Christian Finance

Money talks. Money is power. Money is the pursuit of labor. Everyone always wants more and no one seems to have enough. Our grandparents went through the depression and saved every penny. Our parents went through the tech boom and spent (almost) every penny. Now, in the midst of a market as stable as a Weeble Wobble, where do we lie in our financial ideology?

The Studies

A recent survey asked the following question: How much money would you need to make a year to feel like you have enough money? Participants how made about $25,000 a year said if they could just make around $50,000, they think they would be happy. Participants who made around $50,000 a year said if they could just get to $100,000 dollars, they could live happily. Participants around $100,000 dollars said that if they could just get to about $200,000 a year, they would have enough. Do you see the trend?

Another study asked millionaires just how much money they would need to consider themselves ‘rich’. They respondents said that if they had 5 million dollars, they would consider themselves rich.

In another study, researchers concluded that in America, once you reach a level of about $60,000 dollars a year, money has little to no impact on happiness. So any money above that threshold, is does nothing to make you happier

In yet another study, researchers found the money really only contributes to happiness when you spend it on experiences and other people. It’s the Ol’ giving is better than receiving.

Conclusion: Once you reach a certain level, money can’t aid happiness, and even before then, you will never feel like you have enough. Likewise, money really only brings happiness when you spend it on others.

The Wealth

Do you consider yourself wealthy? When we think of those who are rich, we almost never think of ourselves. We think other people with more money are rich. Likewise, someone thinks you are rich.

·         If you make more than $2500 dollars a year, you are wealthier than 85% of the world

·         If you make over $50,000 a year, you are wealthier than 99% of the world (some estimates as low as ($36,000)

·         The average income is under $1000 dollars a year

Do you feel wealthy yet? Ever the poorest of the poor in this country got stacks on stacks on stacks compared to my little buddy Joseph Akpeng in Ghana. We are wealthy.

The Importance

Did you know that if you count the number of verses Jesus talks about money, it totals over twice as those about faith and prayer combined? In fact, about one third of His recorded teachings deal with money. By quantity, THIS IS A BIG DEAL.

You don’t have to have money for it to be your idol. So often, we judge the really wealthy people as evil because they could be doing so much more with it. But who are you to say you wouldn’t do the exact same thing in their position? Has not God blessed the snot out of you? Money is one of the only temptations that everybody is fine with.

Everyone thinks someone else is rich. Well guess what? Someone thinks you’re rich. If you’re reading this, you’re rich. You’ve heard it said: where your treasure is, so also is your heart. Jesus asks us “Is that money your god or am I?” Are you afraid when your piggy bank is on a diet? Do you find yourself asking for opportunities to get more stuff? Maybe we should remember that Jesus exclaimed: “How hard it is for a rich man to enter the Kingdom of God!”

Have you ever noticed that the homeless person making mud pies in Haiti is happier than the millionaire in the gated community? I’ve seen it firsthand. As a wise theologian once said: MO money, MO problems. Perhaps we’ve ascribed too much practical importance to money and not enough spiritual importance. Money is one of the most important aspects of our lives. How we handle our money determines who we become and who we serve.

I’ll stop here. Look out for my next installment of Christian Finance: The Owner

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Doing Dating Right

As a married man, I wanted to take a look back at a blog post that I wrote while dating my wife, Rachel. I have seen many amazing couples come together in many, many different ways, and I've learned there is no one-size-fits-all approach to dating in a wise way. However, guidelines are meant to guide, so I wish to look back on my days of dating to offer some wisdom to my friends who are still riding the emotional waves of singleness and courtship. The following is written linearly like a book but with the understanding that we all succumb to the art of ‘skimming’. I would prefer you to read every word, but skim, bookmark, jump around, and re-read as you wish. Without further ado:

The Dating Field Guide

Of all the blog posts I have ever written, the most popular posts by far have been about love, sex, and romance. The topic of relationships seems to be on everyone’s mind all the time. How to scout, initiate, and manage a relationship is profound and so heavily discussed; it is crucial that we get this right. The world offers countless pieces of advice with the integrity of a bendy straw. We are a broken world and our ideas of dating and relationships are sadly skewed.

Why Listen to Me?

But why should you listen to me? How could I possibly think I have the correct answers in this ocean of advice? I can’t say that I have all the answers, but I can say that the way God has led Rachel and I into a relationship is one of the most rewarding, joy-filled experiences I’ve ever had. When you discover something fantastic, like Groupon, Chick-Fil-A, or an old Ben Rector CD, you find yourself under the compulsion to share with everyone who might get the slightest joy out it. It’s the same way here. It’s like I have a remedy to our relationship cancer; I simply must share it with whoever I can! I am not trying to brag, but I simply want to establish credibility: The way Rachel and I began, established, and carried our relationship has been credit worthy. This isn't an O, that’s what love birds always say sort of relationship. We have operated our relationship in a way that is godly, self-sacrificial, and wise in regards to the Bible, the Holy Spirit, and our community, and now that I am through that whole song and dance, I can tell you it was well worth it. I do not write this out of pride, but out of a love for anyone who will listen. The following wisdom is not my own; I do not claim it. It is only by God’s grace and mercy that Rachel and I have done what we have. Furthermore, I am not claiming to know anything profound about marriage except what I've been told. I am still a nuptial newbie. But sometimes it takes someone who has finished the race to give the right perspective on the race course.

Defining Dating

Before we begin, we should define what we even meaning be “dating.” To put it simply:

Dating is entering into an exclusive relationship with another person for the purpose of determining if you should be married to one another.

This isn’t about taking a girl to prom, or hanging out with a friend, or any sort of relationship that this world can define (friends with benefits, talking, texting, etc.). The main purpose of dating someone is to determine if you are to marry them. On the flipside, dating does NOT mean that you WILL marry them. Relationships that end can be just as effective as relationships that end in marriage. Trust me.

Dating without Direction

There are many who date just to date. Tying yourself to someone physically, emotionally, and logistically without the intent to marry them creates a crater in someone’s life when a breakup occurs. Those who have been through a bad breakup can easily understand what damage is done when two people separate. If you go into a relationship with someone without the full knowledge of the end goal of marriage on both sides, the end result is likely to be disastrous. Romantic comedies and high school dramas have fooled us into thinking that casual dating is king. But have romantic movies ever been realistic? Have high school dramas had a life that anyone has wanted to live? Those who don’t dilly dally with the power of romance protect themselves from the destruction of drama. Relationships, friendships, and communities are ruined when people come together in a romantic relationship for the wrong reasons.

Porn and Princesses

Before I can even discuss dating, I must delve into a social force that’s affected us in the worst way. We all know that pornography is terrible for the human mind. Study after study after study shows how the human psyche was not meant for pornography. You don’t need to look very far to see a relationship that has been ravaged by the pain of porn. Yet, while porn has been so destructive to the men in America, women have been under the influence of another powerful form of corrupting media (sorry for sounding like Glenn Beck). Just as porn creates absolutely unrealistic expectations in guys’ minds, romance media establishes absolutely unrealistic expectations in the mind of women. Guys struggle with physical pornography, because men are visually stimulated beings. Women struggle with emotional pornography, because women are emotionally stimulated beings. We have let women run wild with emotional fantasies just as we have let men run wild with sexual fantasies. BOTH have demolished our understanding of what a healthy relationship looks like, leaving us with entirely unrealistic expectations. It’s no wonder we are disappointed. It’s no wonder there is a cornucopia of ladies complaining that all the good guys are gone and that chivalry is dead. It’s no wonder there is a whole army of men seeking the most sexually stimulating women, regardless of whether they are gentle, innocent, or kind. We must realize that our culture does not have our best interest in mind when it tells us how to date.

Four Initial Observations About Dating:

1. Many people date before they are personal prepared for a relationship

We have a terrible habit of assuming that we are even capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone. The truth is: a successful relationship starts with who you are, not who you pick. We treat dating prospects like real estate: find the best mate with the most perks for the best price. We are fools in search of someone to fulfill us. God knows that only He can fulfill us, so our very efforts to find our satisfaction in anyone or anything else are futile. Singleness is not a sickness. You are not incomplete without a mate. Your relationship status does not define you. If you haven’t spent a period of time wrestling with singleness, then perhaps you should devote some time to God and not chasing dates. Singleness is a blessing. Singleness prepares you for a relationship, if needed. Singleness is a gift. I’ve seen so many people go from relationship to relationship wondering why they can’t find the satisfaction, why they can’t find “the one”. It’s not about finding ‘the one’. It’s about becoming the one you would want to marry. God’s will for you is who you become, not what you do or who you marry.

2. Many people date individuals who they should not marry

I cannot tell you how many times I have seen people dating someone who they absolutely should not marry. If a relationship is hard now, what makes you think it will get any easier after marriage? It won’t. It will get harder. You can say no to someone all the way up to the wedding day. By breaking up with someone you either shouldn’t wouldn’t marry, you are doing you both a favor. Some people will say “I can change them. They’ll change for me if they love me. They’ll change for me when we get married.” The simple truth is the only person you can change is you. A relationship with someone you should not marry must end no matter how comfortable you are.

3. Many people are unwise in the development of their dating relationships.

This speaks for itself. It is a great amount of work to be wise in a relationship. The more we seek wisdom, the less pain we create for our self and others. One thing to remember: Fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom. If God is not the center of your relationship, it will not develop in a wise manner.

4. Many people have no idea how to properly evaluate a dating relationship.

Once in a relationship, many people have no idea how to understand if the relationship is going well or if it’s deflating. We need to be able to determine if a relationship is leading towards marriage or the dumpster. The quicker we can understand whether a relationship is worthy or not, the more pain and anguish we can save ourselves from.

That said, I would like to dig into four different pieces of wisdom in dating:

A. How to prepare yourself for a dating relationship

B. How to select a partner for a dating relationship

C. How to wisely navigate a relationship

D. How to properly evaluate a dating relationship

A.    How to Prepare You for a Dating Relationship

Many people assume that they are ready for a dating relationship simply because they want to be in a dating relationship. Many people are wrong. Loneliness is not a qualification for your dating resume. It is wise to make sure you are ready for a relationship before you go looking for one. In order to determine if you, yourself, are ready for a relationship, ask yourself some questions. The following questions will challenge you. If you can correctly answer these questions with honesty, then perhaps you are ready for a God-honoring and joy filled relationship:

-Am I consistently growing in Christlikeness?

-Is my relationship with God the priority in my life?

-Does my life reflect the Godly character and the fruit of the Spirit?

-Am I consistently helping others to grow in Christlikeness?

-Who am I serving?

-What has been the result of my investment into their lives?

-Have I developed a lifestyle of servant heartedness?

-Am I sexually pure?

-Have I honored God with my sexuality for a sustained season?

-Have I allowed God to purify my motives for being in a relationship?

-Am I wise?

-Have I learned to see people and reality from God’s perspective?

-Have I learned to be a good steward of my time and money?

-Have I consistently made good decisions and have followed through with them?

-Have I learned to submissively respond to the authority in my life?

-Am I immersed in authentic, transparent, dependent community?

-It takes a community to know an individual. ~ CS Lewis

-Your dating relationship should not be the primary relationship in your life.

-You should have the blessing of the wise and godly people in your life, helping you to have proper perspective on the above questions.

Who Says I Even Deserve a Relationship?

Since when am I entitled to a relationship? Even if I become the godliest man to walk this earth, it is all because of grace. We get into trouble when believe the lie that we are entitled to anything. True joy comes when we realize we don’t deserve anything, yet God chooses to bless us with many things. And who said that a relationship would solve anything? A relationship will come when it is glorifying to Him if I am living my life to glorify Him. Why would we want a relationship if it would make us less effective at glorifying God?

B.     How to Select a Partner for a Dating Relationship

Now that we have discussed and determined whether you are ready for a relationship, let’s go into how to determine whether the person you are interested in is ready for a dating relationship. The best way to determine if your dating prospect is ready for a godly relationship is to ask the same questions about them as you did for yourself. Determine if they are becoming more like Christ. Figure out who they are serving and leading. Make sure they have been sexually pure for a season. Entering a relationship with someone who is struggling with sexual temptation is not a good idea. It’s okay to date someone who has fallen sexually in the past, so long as the trend doesn’t continue. Extend grace where God has extended grace. Lastly, make sure they are in community. Ask others about them. Ask those wiser than you if dating them would be a good idea. In essence, if would you want your children to grow up to be just like them?

I did an exercise before dating Rachel where I had to list 50 characteristics my ideal mate should or shouldn’t have. You can find my list here. One day I realized that Rachel fit pretty much every single criterion on that list. Needless to say, the choice was easy. Do they have to be perfect? No, because they won’t be. I know Rachel’s weaknesses well, and I will learn about them more and more as life goes on. Again, you aren’t evaluating property or whether or not to buy the new iPhone.

C.    How to Wisely Navigate a Dating Relationship

So you and your prospective date have decided that a relationship would be good for you both. Congratulations! That’s always exciting. Let me share some wisdom with you.

Initial Stages

The first few months of a relationship are always crucial. Whether you see “talking” or announcing your new found exclusivity to the Facebook world as the beginning of your relationship, how you operate with your new dating partner is crucial the how the relationship grows. In preparation for our relationship, Rachel and I got together and talked about things we could be praying for as we walked down the road of determining whether we really want to date. We also discussed our expectations for what a dating relationship looks like. Communication is so important in a relationship so Rachel and I literally sat down together and wrote a document of what to pray for/what to expect (NERD ALERT). We called it our PPP document (Preparation, Patience, and Purification). We knew that prayer was crucial to this decision. We also knew that we needed to be on the same page. We know we are weirdos; it’s okay. If your dating partner doesn’t want to feel like an attorney, that’s okay too! I’m just going to copy and paste exactly what we wrote together. I’m not saying you should do exactly as we did. We’re both planners and Type A personalities, so this worked for us. I’m not even saying you need to have the same expectations for a relationship or pray about the same things, but you absolutely should communicate with each other. The following is our Preparation, Patience, and Purification Document. Enjoy.

What to pray for until January:

·         Sole devotion remains in Christ. We can’t become each other’s idols. Should avoid prayers where it becomes “thank you for him/her” instead of “thank you God for you”.

·         Purity

·         Emotional preparedness/resilience

·         Patience. Wisdom. Humility. Trust. Fruit of the Spirit

·         Open communication in good times and bad

·         That we would be more effective together than apart. More like Jesus. Glorifies the Father (makes Him smile)

·         To be a prominent example of Christ’s love and sacrifice

·         To be set apart. To be an example. To lead others as we lead each other.

·         To not let the pressure and social expectations of a relationship hinder us

·         To have fun. No drama.

·         To encourage, build and challenge one another

·         To pray for all of the above things for ourselves and each other.

Guidelines, boundaries and expectations:

·         No kissing/ “I love you” till engagement

o   Helps with other boundaries

o   Even more meaning

o   I want your body to be the last thing I get to know/love

o   I won’t kiss your lips until I am ready to hold your heart

·         Be wise. No touching for the sake of excitement. Be willing to pump the brakes.

·         Don’t be out past midnight alone (unless extenuating circumstances).

·         Realize that Satan will try to use this against us. Pray continually. Use the sword of the Word. Armor of God.

·         Realize that we are both very inexperienced (remain humble/understanding/gentle/teachable)

·         Communicate, especially in times of conflict

·         Partnership/Team/Christ is leader/ “Follow me as I follow Him”

·         Sacrifice/ consider each other better than ourselves

·         Protect when needed

·         Save paying for meals for dates/special occasions

·         Meaningful gifts, not pricey

·         Healthy balance of time together/apart

·         Don’t be legalistic but always analyze intentions (It should be simple and effortless)

·         Serve our friends. Love our friends. Bake for our friends. Make time for friends.

·         We trust each other around other friends

·         Love each other’s families. Open to parents/elders influence. Listen to our friends advice.

I can’t tell you how monumental and profound doing the PPP document was. God truly answered our prayers and prepared us for an absolutely amazing adventure with each other. One thing to notice is that we waited to kiss or say “I love you” until we got engaged. It was hard, but it was so worth it. I would recommend it to anyone willing. You’ll also notice that we also made sure not to be alone after midnight. As my grandpa always said: “Nuthin’ good happens after midnight.” We discussed our expectations from dates to gift giving. By knowing what each other thought a healthy relationship looked like, we were ready to begin a healthy relationship of our own.

As the Relationship Proceeds

There are five key areas to monitor during your relationship: Time, Emotions, Touch, Groups, and Mentors

Time: The most valuable commodity

The amount of time that you spend with your significant other should correspond to the significance and seriousness of your relationship. Spending the bulk of your time with your dating companion early on is likely not a wise decision. Many couples start dating and then whisk away into the sunset only to leave a void in their friendships, jobs, and grades. As your relationship with another proceeds, so too should the amount of time you spend with them. If you and your sugar bear only last a month, it will save you the heartache when your friends don’t ask where you’ve been for the past month. When Rachel and I started dating, we had one on one time only about once or twice a week, and we spent the rest of our time together in groups or serving.

Starting out, your boyfriend or girlfriend should never take significance over God (obviously), your family, or your friends. As you two grow closer together, your significant other begins to climb the chain. Soon he/she becomes more important than your friends (once engaged), then your family (once married). However, your significant other should never become more important than Jesus. He is always your number one priority. How you spend your money, your time, and your thought life indicates what you love most.  As you begin to care for and love your significant other, they receive more of those three things. However, the amount of money, time, and thoughts you spend on your significant other should not dwarf the amount of those things you spend on Jesus. He was your first love; He is your highest love. It’s through Jesus’ love that you even have a good relationship with your significant other.

In terms of one-on-one time, I would suggest no more than one date per week and 1-2 casual hangouts per week. Keep the rest group centered or service oriented. Also, be mindful of texting throughout the day or late at night. You don’t want to communicate through texting so much that being together in person loses meaning. As your relationship develops, you will be able to find a healthy pattern.

 It is impossible to overemphasize the blessing of being friends before you are a boyfriend-girlfriend. Rachel and I were friends for a year before we started dating, which allowed us to truly get to know each other without acting or putting on a show. You should keep in mind that everyone puts their best foot forward for at least 6 months. If you are friends, you get to see who the person really is. I recommend you be friends with a person for at least 3-6 months before you consider dating them. Friendship is the basis of marriage. If you don’t develop a friendship first, then you’ll love what the person has to offer you rather than the person themselves. You aren’t looking for just a roommate.

Emotions: The most illusive commodity

Above all else, guard you heart, for from it flows the wellspring of life.

             ~Proverbs 4:23

Do not awaken love until it so desires.

            ~Song of Songs 2:7

Strive to keep your emotional connectedness to a person in line with what your community thinks is wise, and also. what you have clearly expressed to one another. The more you connect to someone emotionally, the more integrated with them you will be, and thus, the harder it will be to separate. This will take a lot of work and a lot of modesty.

Touch: The most powerful commodity

There are five love languages; people who are dating seem to always assume theirs is touch.

Once touching commences as normal activity in a relationship, attachment becomes nearly unavoidable. You can’t really go backwards in a relationship touch wise, you can only go forward. Once you start cuddling, you feel like you have to always cuddling. Once kissing starts, it continues, and so on and so forth. If your relationship can’t stand apart from regular physical touch, it probably shouldn’t be standing at all. Physical touch with someone you are attracted to clouds your ability to think clearly. If you are not ready to hold their heart, don’t kiss their lips. My personal advice to people is to not kiss until engaged. Besides, the longer you wait to break out each stage of touching, the more exciting and new each stage is. Once Rachel and I got used to hugging, it was about time to start holding hands. Once we got tired of holding hands, it was about time to start sitting close and putting my arm around her. Once we got tired of that, we waited to kiss. Kissing blessed our time between the first ring and the second, and now, we have nothing but unhindered, guilt-free intimacy with one another. From a practical standpoint, if you time it just, things will always be fresh and exciting. But that’s not always possible.

A big mistake is to rush touch. Time is on your side. You can always wait longer, but once you cross that line, you can never go back. If you are even considering sex before marriage, that is a problem. There are so many reasons to save yourself. I write more on sex here.

Groups: The most helpful commodity

A wise thing to do is to spend a large amount of time in natural, social environments. Rachel and I love hanging out with friends and serving them together. In fact, Rachel and I met and grew together by serving others together. Being in a community with your significant other does wonders for your relationship. It is so important to share your friends with your significant other. It is a tragedy when a couple has two separate groups of friends. It’s not you and your significant other versus the world. You’re just as much a part of a community as you are a part of a relationship. If you don’t have people outside of your relationship to help and grow with you, then you are severely lacking in resources. The importance of being friends with your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s friends is absolutely prodigious.

Ask if people sense your relationship is natural, edifying, enjoyable, etc. If your friends don’t approve of your relationship, then maybe it just isn’t right. However, you should be aware that you are listening to wise and loving friends, not those whose stir of strife and contention. When Rachel and I started dating we had so much support from our community. We really sought the blessing of our friends and elders and we received it. However, we felt the full weight of gossip and criticism as well. People are going to talk, so be sure you know when to listen and when to clog your ears.

Mentors: The most weighty commodity

This isn’t popular advice, but you really should include your parents and mentors in your love life. Submit your life to older, wiser, godlier people who are modeling the type of life, marriage, and family that you hope to have someday. Ask your mentors if they think the steps you are taking are wise. Ask your mentors if they see any pitfalls or blind spots in your relationship, your decisions, your thinking, etc. The people outside your relationship have a view of it that you don’t. Sometimes they don’t understand, but sometimes they see areas of improvement that you’ll never see.

D.    How to Properly Evaluate a Dating Relationship

There are four helpful lenses to view your relationship with: Character, Compatibility, Chemistry, and Calling.

1.            Character—Are they truly a good person?

The first question that must be asked is: “Does this person truly love God?”

Are they honest?

Do they follow through on things they have committed to?

Do you honestly want your children to end up like this person some day?

Have you seen marked growth in their lives in targeted areas of deficiency?

2.      Compatibility—Are they truly an aligned person?

Does this person want similar things out of life as you do?

What are your expectations for a family?

Do your personalities actually fit one another’s?

Are you passionate about the same things?

3.      Chemistry—Are they truly a natural person?

Do you genuinely enjoy being around this person?

Would the idea of a 10 hour car ride with them excite you?

Do you like who the other person really is?

Are you physically attracted to the other person?

4.      Calling—Are they truly the right person?

What does God think about this relationship?

When you pray, do you sense peace and affirmation, or uncertainty and hesitation?

By evaluating your relationship with these questions, you can understand whether you two are going to be successful or strife-filled. It’s okay if your relationship doesn’t check out with every single question; you’ll never find a perfect person. However, you should use these questions to determine areas to grow for you and your mate. If there are several questions that your relationship or your mate can’t live up to, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate whether you should be dating them at all. With all things, let prayer and scripture guide you. I could give you so much advice, but true remedies come by just spending time with Jesus.

Conclusion

When dating, you are basically determining if you should be helpmates with this person on your journey to the throne room of Heaven; you are determining if they are the person you want to unite yourself with and give your life for to present one another before God. The main reason I married Rachel was to make me look more like Jesus. Relationships ought to be more about holiness than they are about happiness. But instead, the way most do dating resembles home buyers looking for the best mortgage. My relationship with Rachel won’t be normal because normal isn’t working these days.

Have Fun

Lastly, have fun in your relationships. Don’t overanalyze anything to the point of exhaustion. God wants His children to be joyous. He provides us wisdom so that we can navigate the traps and trials of this life. It is for freedom that He set us free. Let’s not kill ourselves trying to obey every rule. That’s the beauty of grace.

I remember Relevant Magazine posting an article entitled “How to go on an actual date”. The premise was we spend so much time texting and worrying about rejection and not being intentional that we dance around the issue and never actually have fun with it. What was funny was about 3 or 4 of my (single) female friends reposted it. So men, the ball is in your court. Go on some dates!

Finally, I will end with fourteen words of wisdom for non-married people

Via Dan Hamel

1.      Don’t be in a hurry to date. Do not awaken love until it so desires.

2.      If you find someone you like, don’t rush into a relationship. Give things time—you need to get to know a person

3.      Grow in God when you are single. As I’ve seen it, it is really hard to grow in two relationships at the same time, at least with a lot of intensity.

4.      Don’t date someone unless you are ready to be married and you could reasonably expect them to be your spouse.

5.      Don’t feel pressure to make dating relationships work. Dating relationships that end are just as effective as dating relationships that end in marriage.

6.      Avoid sexual gratification through masturbation.

-We need to talk about this because I’m guessing 95% of guys I know struggle with it and somewhere between 30-40% of girls (though they are less apt to discuss it).

-We almost never hear about this. I never heard about this in church!

-I never heard about it from a parent or a trusted authority

10 reasons I want to admonish you to avoid it!

-It is, in essence, selfish…the root of all sin

-Because it is selfish, it doesn’t prepare you for marital sex (either practically or mentally)

-It doesn’t represent God’s plan for orgasm or for sexuality in marriage.

-It produces guilt

-It leads to loneliness (after orgasm the body releases chemicals that result in intense bonding…in marriage, that is perfect. In masturbation, that is depressing.)

-It becomes habitual and addictive

-The bible says not to be mastered by anything. (1 Cor 6:12)

-It is the opposite of self control—the fruit of the Spirit

-Romans 14:22 Blessed is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves.

-I cannot think of a single way it will help you look, live or love more like Jesus.

7.      Avoid sexual gratification through touching or being touched by another person

To be honest, when I was growing up, since no one ever talked about sex in my family or in church—it wasn’t until I was 16 and we took a survey in my youth group about what everyone thought was “too far” that I realized things could be way too far that weren’t sex. All I ever heard was “no sex until marriage.”

Avoid intentionally exciting yourself or another person in the sort of way that elicits sexual arousal in you or them.

In this I would include kissing to the point of arousal, necking, touching sexual parts of the body or caressing of any part of the body. Each of these actions naturally lead to sexual arousal, which means they are intended for marriage.

What good are you accomplishing through fondling another person?

8.      Avoid unnecessary sexual stimulation.

-With the movies you watch: Would you blush if Jesus were in the room?

-With the conversations you have (some conversations with your friends are counter-productive)

-With the media you consume on the internet (facebook is huge!—I know so many guys who talk about giving into sexual sin after looking through facebook pictures of THEIR FRIENDS)

-I have made a covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. (Job 31:1)
-This is honestly a really good test to see if you are a slave or free when it comes to sexual sin. When something like this comes your way, what does it result in you doing?

9.      When you are tempted sexually, turn your desire and attention towards God.

Once you recognize that there is a desire in your heart or mind, acknowledge it before God outloud, then confess that your greatest desire is for God-to know him, love him, obey him and seek his delight. Then say, because I want you more than anything else, I refuse to follow this desire, I commit to follow you.

Pray for an ever-increasing love for God and for an ever-increasing delight in obeying his commands. “The expulsive power of a new affection.”

You know one of the most effective ways to get over a person you had a crush on? Fall in love with someone new…especially if they are someone better!!

10.  Submerge your mind in scripture every day.

-Simply praying and asking God to remove this sin isn’t going to practically do much (I’m speaking from talking with dozens and dozens and dozens of guys)

-Romans 12

-Matthew 4

-five out of seven days isn’t enough.

-Two out of seven days isn’t enough.

-Every day if you are in the process of breaking free from sexual addiction.

11.  Stay busy with things that matter.

I’m not talking about over committing yourself, (though college students are, by in large, some of the lazier people I know).

I am talking about keeping your mind busy (Philippians 4:8-9) Whatever is true, whatever is noble…etc.

If you go to bed and the first thing you do is read a chapter of the bible and then the second thing you to is thank God for 10 blessings he gave you that day and the third thing you do is pray for your family and friends…you’ll be asleep by the time you would otherwise have given into sexual sin.

Biblical example from Ephesians 4:28 “He who has been stealing but steal no longer, but must work, doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share with those in need.”

 (1)Remove this (2) Replace it with this (3) Results in this…your reward (Greater than before)

12.  Stay connected to Christian community.

-Spend time with people who care about and are committed to your purity.

-They may be more committed to your purity than you are…that will be helpful (because it is a picture of God’s commitment to you)—fasting or sleeping outside because of people’s sin.

Stay connected to a wide range of people—not just friends your age…but in their thirties and fifties…etc. Get to know elders at your church, befriend people who are living the type of life you want to live 10-30 years down the road.

If you really care about community, you’ll stop sinning. (Do you know what one person’s sin does to a community?? Look up the story of Achen.

Revival might have broken out in Lexington if it weren’t for the sexual sin of Christians

This campus might have become entirely Christian if it weren’t for sin of students

The prayer of a RIGHTEOUS man is powerful and effective.

13.  Strive to think of people as God does and to see them in light of eternity.

Ask for every person you see, who you might lust after or think about using, “God, what is your heart for this person?” You created them, you love them, what good are you trying to bring about in their life?

Its pretty hard to exploit someone sexually if you are thinking about either spending eternity with them in heaven as your brother or sister.

Or if you can picture them eternally suffering, separate from God.

14.  Resolve to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.

Maybe it will be a spouse, maybe it will be the grace and freedom to be single and satisfied, but all things will be added until you.

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