Lately,
I’ve seen a bevy of articles—or should I say lists—declaring ideas like “23 things to do before you get engaged at 23”
or “7 benefits of marrying young” or “19.5 reasons to write an article about
how all your friends are getting hitched”. I love a good, lively discussion,
but I think this blogging battle misses the point. I’ll try and explain why,
but before I do, I should say that the more experienced readers of my blog posts
(basically just Rachel and my mom) would note that I am married young, so
therefore I must be biased towards it. Indeed, I do have a natural bias since I
love this stage of life, but before I took the permanent plunge of matrimony, I
was intent on staying single my whole life. Quite intent, actually.
An Apology
First,
I want to apologize to anyone who happens to use Facebook. You may not know
this, but the reason you see a smattering of wedding rings and baby bling on
your newsfeed is because of how Facebook works. When you post something, only a
small fraction of your Facebook friends see it. As people begin to like it and
interact with it, the exposure grows. For example, if you actually like this
blog and then ‘like’ it on Facebook it or retweet it on Twitter (wink wink),
then more and more people on my friends list will see it. Moreover, people only
tend to post the best moments of their life—unless, of course, they’re that one passive
aggressive friend airing their grievances in emotional Morse code. This selective trend causes
nearly every post to be a highlight. When you compare a list of everyone’s
highlights to your daily life, it can cause a little discontent. So the reason
you are fed up with all of the tropical vacations and beautiful weddings everyone
but you is enjoying is because Facebook is lambasting you with post after
hyper-liked post, thus causing either vitriol or indifference to the 4th
engagement post you’ve seen this week. So your Facebook feed is all Buzzfeed
posts and wedding albums, and for that, I apologize. Moving on.
Age isn’t Maturity
This
is not a new debate, well, minus the fact that the age linked with young
marriage used to be 14 instead of 23. Yet, one of the common traps we fall into
is thinking we achieve a sort of readiness for certain life events at certain
ages. At 16, you’re ready to drive a car. At 21, you can now drink responsibly.
But while age is certainly an indicator—you wouldn’t give tequila to a 12 year
old—it doesn’t define who we are. I know 13 year olds in the Phillipines who
are leading bible studies for 8 year olds and I know 30 year old men who still
live with their parents and play video games all day. Age does not determine
wisdom. Therefore, a twenty something who just graduated college may be far
less mature than a 15 year old girl who had to raise her brothers and sisters
because both her parents were absent. Ultimately, it doesn’t matter what age
you get married, but instead, whether you are mature enough.
The
singleness camp will say you need to spend your twenties finding yourself and
making mistakes and being a little bit crazy before you can truly be ready for
marriage. While that’s all fine and good, you don’t have to make mistakes to
mature. Maturity is developed through wisdom; wisdom is knowledge applied in
your own life. If you have knowledge, but don’t use it, you’re no better than
someone who didn’t know in the first place. If you don’t learn from the
mistakes of others, you’re doomed to make them yourself. Another common criticism
of early marriage is that you miss out on all the fun. Since when?! Married
life with your best friend is one of the most fun experiences imaginable,
regardless of whether you’re honeymooning or raising great grandchildren. You don’t
have to be backpacking across Europe to feel like you are living life. Some of life’s
most profound moments are spent in the most mundane situations.
The
married camp says you should get married as soon as you find the one because
then you can finally get on with your life and have kids and buy a house what
not. Again, that’s all fine and good, but there is more to life than marriage
or the American Dream. In fact, bad marriages can be lonelier than singleness.
Furthermore, once you’re married, the goal is to never be single again, so once
you get rid of your singleness, it will never be the same. Neither divorce nor
death will allow you to live your pre-married life again, so focus your single
years on cherishing where God has you. It’s likely that He is trying to make
you into the sort of person who will be ready for what lies ahead, regardless
of your marital status.
Marriage isn’t Universal
We
have this idea in our culture that you are incomplete unless you have someone.
The problem is: no imperfect human can make you perfectly happy. Your relationship
status is not your identity. Marriage is a beautiful gift, but it is not a
required checkbox on your life application. If you think marriage will
improve your quality of life, you are probably wrong. Your single person
problems will just become married person problems. In fact, your problems will
be magnified two fold as the selfishness in your heart is exposed by your other
half. Singleness is a beautiful gift as well. So it doesn’t matter whether you are a
twenty-something or a baby boomer, your married life rides on the foundation of
your identity. If your identity is in Christ, Christ will be your foundation.
If your foundation is your happiness, your desire to have a beautiful wedding,
or anything else really, it will crumble eventually. It’s only from the Perfect
Groom do we learn how to be a successful spouse.
In
Jesus’ day, the Jews were big on marriage, but with the option of divorce. A
man could divorce his wife if he didn’t like the way she cooked. But then Jesus
came along and said God hates divorce and marriage is meant for a lifetime. At
this preposterous teaching, the Jews exclaimed “Then it would be better not to
marry at all!” The Jews would literally rather have been eunuchs than to be
tied to a woman for their entire life. The Jews struggled with the command to
remain faithful in marriage just like we do today. I think the sky high divorce
rate shows that for many in our country, it
would be better not to marry.
Cohabitation isn’t Successful
On
another note, there is an uprising trend next to marriage known as cohabitation,
or living together. Many think that cohabitation is the natural step before
marriage. Try it before you buy it, right? The problem is that couples who
cohabitate before marriage are much more likely to divorce than those who don’t.
Likewise, couples who cohabitate and break up are left with sticky financial
situations, broken hearts, tattered sexuality, and in certain cases, kids
without cohesive parents. There is a reason sex
and cohabitation is meant for marriage. Marital commitment is the foundation of
a romantic relationship and sexual intimacy is the glue. When we don’t use
something as it was intended, it will not work as intended. When you “try it
before you buy it”, you are misusing the gift.
Marriage isn’t Black and White
Like
most things in life, this issue isn’t black and white. Some people should get
married young, some shouldn’t; each will have their own challenges; both will
have their own liberties. Rachel
and I were both mature enough (by the grace of God) to understand the finality
and commitment required by marriage as well as the purpose of it, therefore, we
got married because God led us together. If God had not led me to Rachel, I
would probably be single today, and I would be just fine with it. My joy will
never be in somebody besides Jesus. The world isn’t impressed when everything
goes right and we thank Jesus for it; the world is impressed when Jesus is so
good that we don’t need anything else, whether it’s marriage, or money, or
acceptance, or achievement. Rachel and I didn’t marry each other to make each
other happy; we married to make each other holy. Happiness is simply a
byproduct.
Marriage is Worth It
So
age is irrelevant when it comes to marriage. I can’t tell you when you should
get married, or to who. But I can tell you that when taken in context of God’s
glory, marriage is worth it. It’s worth it to get married young. It’s worth it
to get married old. But don’t get me wrong, singleness is worth it too. At the
end of the day, it doesn’t matter if you marry old, marry young, or never
marry. What matters is who you are becoming in God’s will. God’s will for you
is not what you do, but rather who you become. So get married! Or don’t. But know that you will be restless until you
rest in Him.
So, so good! This needed to be said. Thank-you!!!
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