So this is a blog post about how to date well. I want to
offer wisdom on this topic because it is so pervasive in our culture. Of all
the blog posts I have ever written, the most popular posts by far have been
about love, sex, and romance. The topic of relationships seems to be on
everyone’s mind, all the time. How to scout, initiate, and manage a
relationship is so profound and so heavily discussed that we absolutely must
get this right. Look at all the magazines focused on attracting a member of the
opposite sex. The world offers countless pieces of advice, and quite frankly,
most of the suggestions of the best way to date make me mourn. We are a broken
world, and our ideas of what constitutes dating and relationships in this
society are sadly skewed.
Why Listen to Me?
But why should you listen to me? How could I possibly think
I have the correct answers in this ocean of advice? I can’t say that I have all
the answers, but I can say that the way God has led Rachel and I into a
relationship is one of the most rewarding, joy-filled experiences I’ve ever
had. I simply cannot hold in all the things that I have learned all the way. It’s
like I have a remedy to our relationship cancer; I simply must share it with
whoever I can! I am not trying to brag, but I simply want to establish
credibility: The way Rachel and I began, established, and carried our relationship
has been credit worthy. This isn’t an O,
that’s what love birds always say sort of relationship. We have operated
our relationship in a way that is godly, self-sacrificial, and wise. I simply want other people to know the joy,
love, and wisdom that Rachel and I have experienced. I do not write this
out of pride, but out of a love for anyone who will listen. The following
wisdom is not my own; I do not claim it. It is only by God’s grace and wisdom
that Rachel and I have done what we have. Furthermore, I am not claiming to
know anything profound about marriage. I am simply speaking of dating and holy
relationships before marriage. Everyone is different, and every relationship is
different, so I do not expect anyone to try and do exactly as we have. With that
said I hope the following wisdom blesses you and challenges you.
Defining Dating
Before we begin, we should define what we even meaning be
“dating.” To put it simply:
Dating
is entering into an exclusive relationship with another person for the purpose
of determining if you should be married to one another.
This isn’t about taking a girl to prom, or hanging out with
a friend, or any sort of relationship that this world can define (friends with
benefits, talking, texting, etc.). The
main purpose of dating someone is to determine if you are to marry them.
Dating for fun
There are so many people who date just for fun, but this is
simply not wise. Tying yourself to someone physically, emotionally, and
logistically without the intent to marry them creates a crater in someone’s
life when a breakup occurs. Those who have been through a bad breakup can
easily understand what damage is done when two people separate. If you go into
a relationship with someone without the full knowledge of the end goal of
marriage on both sides, the end result is likely to be disastrous. Romantic
comedies and high school dramas have fooled us into thinking that casual dating
is king. But have romantic movies ever been realistic? Have high school dramas had
a life that anyone has wanted to live? Those
who don’t dilly dally with the power of romance protect themselves from the
destruction of drama. Relationships, friendships, and communities are
ruined when people come together in a romantic relationship for the wrong
reasons.
Porn and Princesses
Before I can even discuss dating, I must delve into a social
force that affected us in the worst way. We all know that pornography is
terrible for the human mind. Study after study after study show how the human
psyche was not meant for pornography. You don’t need to look very far to see a
relationship that has been ravaged by the pain of porn. Yet, while porn has
been so destructive to the men in America, women have been under the influence
of another powerful form of corrupting media. Just as porn creates absolutely
unrealistic expectations in guys’ minds about what a relationship with a women
should be like, romance media establishes absolutely unrealistic expectations
in the mind of women about what a relationship should be like. Guys struggle with physical pornography,
because men are visually stimulated beings. Women struggle with emotional
pornography, because women are emotionally stimulated beings. We have let
women run wild with emotional fantasies just as we have let men run wild with
sexual fantasies. BOTH have demolished our understanding of what a healthy
relationship looks like, leaving us with entirely unrealistic expectations.
It’s no wonder we are disappointed. It’s no wonder there is a cornucopia of
ladies complaining that all the good guys are gone and that chivalry is dead.
It’s no wonder there is a whole army of men seeking the most sexually
stimulating women, regardless of whether they are gentle, innocent, or kind. We must realize that our culture does not
have our best interest in mind when it tells us how to date.
Four Initial Observations About Dating:
1.
Many people date before they are personal prepared for a relationship
We have a terrible habit of
assuming that we are even capable of having a healthy relationship with anyone.
The truth is: a successful relationship starts with who you are, not who you pick. We treat dating prospects like real
estate: find the best mate with the most perks for the best price. We are fools
in search of someone to fulfill us. God knows that only He can fulfill us, so
our very efforts to find our satisfaction in anyone or anything else are
futile. Singleness is not a sickness. You are not incomplete without a mate. Your
relationship status does not define you. If you have not spent a period of time
wrestling with singleness, then perhaps you should devote some time to God and
not chasing dates. Singleness is a blessing. Singleness prepares you for a
relationship, if needed. Singleness is a gift. I’ve seen so many people go from relationship to relationship
wondering why they can’t find the satisfaction, why they can’t find “the one”. It’s not about finding ‘the one’, but
instead, becoming the one you would want to marry. God’s will for you is who
you become, not what you do or who you marry.
2.
Many people date individuals who they should not marry
I cannot tell you how many times
I have seen people dating someone who they absolutely should not marry. If a
relationship is hard now, what makes you think it will get any easier after
marriage? It won’t. It will get harder. You can say no to someone all the way
up to the wedding day. By breaking up
with someone you should/would not marry, you are doing both you and them a
favor. Some people will say “I can change them. They’ll change for me if
they love me. They’ll change for me when we get married.” The simple truth is the only person you can change is you.
A relationship with someone you should not marry must end, no matter how comfortable
you are in a relationship with them.
3.
Many people are unwise in the development of their dating relationships.
This speaks for itself. It is a
great amount of work to be wise in a relationship. The more we seek wisdom, the
less pain we create for our self and others. One thing to remember: Fear of the
Lord is the beginning of wisdom. If God is not the center of your relationship,
it will not develop in a wise manner.
4.
Many people have no idea how to properly evaluate a dating relationship.
Once in a relationship, many people have no idea how to
understand if the relationship is going well or if it’s deflating. We need to
be able to determine if a relationship is leading towards marriage or the
dumpster. The quicker we can understand whether a relationship is worthy or
not, the more pain and anguish we can save ourselves from.
That said, I would like to dig into four different pieces of
wisdom in dating: how to prepare yourself
for a dating relationship, how to select
a partner for a dating relationship, how to wisely navigate a relationship, and how to properly evaluate a dating relationship.
How to Prepare You for a Dating Relationship
Many people assume that they are
ready for a dating relationship simply because they want to be in a dating
relationship. Many people are wrong.
Loneliness is not a qualification for your dating resume. It is wise to make sure
you are ready for a relationship before you go looking for one. In order to
determine if you, yourself, are ready for a relationship, ask yourself some
questions. The following questions will challenge you. If you can correctly answer
these questions with honesty, then perhaps you are ready for a God-honoring and
joy filled relationship:
-Am I consistently growing in Christlikeness?
-Is my relationship with God the priority in my life?
-Does my life reflect the Godly character and the fruit of the Spirit?
-Am I
consistently helping others to grow
in Christlikeness?
-Who am I serving?
-What has been
the result of my investment into
their lives?
-Have I
developed a lifestyle of servant
heartedness?
-Am I sexually pure?
-Have I honored
God with my sexuality for a sustained
season?
-Have I allowed
God to purify my motives for being
in a relationship?
-Am I wise?
-Have I learned
to see people and reality from God’s
perspective?
-Have I learned
to be a good steward of my time and
money?
-Have I
consistently made good decisions and
have followed through with them?
-Have I learned
to submissively respond to the authority
in my life?
-Am I immersed
in authentic, transparent, dependent community?
-It takes a
community to know an individual. ~
CS Lewis
-Your dating
relationship should not be the primary
relationship in your life.
-You should have
the blessing of the wise and godly people in your life, helping you to have
proper perspective on the above
questions.
Who Says I Even
Deserve a Relationship?
One thing I had to
realize is this: I don’t even deserve a relationship. Since when am I entitled
to one? Even if I become the godliest man to walk this earth, it is all because
of grace. We get into trouble when believe the lie that we are entitled to
anything. True joy comes when we realize we don’t deserve anything, yet God
chooses to bless us with many things. And who said that a relationship would
solve anything? A relationship will
come when it is glorifying to Him if I am living my life to glorify Him.
Why would we want a relationship if it would make us less effective at
glorifying God?
How to Select a Partner for a Dating Relationship
Now that we have
discussed and determined whether you are even ready for a relationship, let’s
go into how to determine whether the person you are interested in is ready for
a dating relationship. The best way to
determine if your dating prospect is ready for a godly relationship is to ask
the same questions about them as you did for yourself. Determine if they
are becoming more like Christ. Figure out who they are serving and leading.
Make sure they have been sexually pure for a season. Entering a relationship
with someone who is struggling with sexual temptation is not a good idea. It’s
okay to date someone who has fallen sexually in the past, so long as the trend
doesn’t continue. Extend grace where God has extended grace. Lastly, make sure
they are in community. Ask others about them. Ask those wiser than you if
dating them would be a good idea.
I did an exercise
before dating Rachel where I had to list 50 characteristics my ideal mate should
or shouldn’t have. You can find my list here.
One day I realized that Rachel fit pretty much every single criterion on that
list. Needless to say, the choice was easy.
How to Wisely Navigate a Dating Relationship
So you and your
prospective date have decided that a relationship would be good for you both.
Congratulations! That’s always exciting. Let me share some wisdom with you.
Initial Stages
The first few months
of a relationship are always crucial. Whether you see “talking” as the
beginning of the relationship, or announcing your new found exclusivity to the
world as the beginning, how you operate with your new dating partner is crucial
the how the relationship grows. In preparation for our relationship, Rachel and
I got together and talked about things we could be praying for as we walked
down the road of determining whether we really want to date. We also discussed
our expectations for what a dating relationship looks like. Communication is so
important in a relationship, so Rachel and I literally sat down together and
wrote a document of what to pray for/what to expect. We called it our PPP
document (Preparation, Patience, and Purification). We knew that prayer was
crucial to this decision. We also knew that we needed to be on the same page.
I’m just going to copy and paste exactly what we wrote together. I’m not saying
you should do exactly as we did. We’re both planners and Type A personalities,
so this worked for us. I’m not even saying you need to have the same
expectations for a relationship, or pray about the same things. But what I am
saying is that you absolutely should communicate with each other. The following
is our Preparation, Patience, and Purification Document. Enjoy.
What to pray for until January:
·
Sole devotion remains in Christ. We can’t become
each other’s idols. Should avoid prayers where it becomes “thank you for
him/her” instead of “thank you God for you”.
·
Purity
·
Emotional preparedness/resilience
·
Patience. Wisdom. Humility. Trust. Fruit of the
Spirit
·
Open communication in good times and bad
·
That we would be more effective together than
apart. More like Jesus. Glorifies the Father (makes Him smile)
·
To be a prominent example of Christ’s love and
sacrifice
·
To be set apart. To be an example. To lead
others as we lead each other.
·
To not let the pressure and social expectations
of a relationship hinder us
·
To have fun. No drama.
·
To encourage, build and challenge one another
·
To pray for all of the above things for
ourselves and each other.
Guidelines, boundaries and expectations:
·
No kissing/ “I love you” till engagement
o
Helps with other boundaries
o
Even more meaning
o
I want your body to be the last thing I get to
know/love
o
I won’t kiss your lips until I am ready to hold
your heart
·
Be wise. No touching for the sake of excitement.
Be willing to pump the brakes.
·
Don’t be out past midnight alone (unless
extenuating circumstances).
·
Realize that Satan will try to use this against
us. Pray continually. Use the sword of the Word. Armor of God.
·
Realize that we are both very inexperienced
(remain humble/understanding/gentle/teachable)
·
Communicate, especially in times of conflict
·
Partnership/Team/Christ is leader/ “Follow me as
I follow Him”
·
Sacrifice/ consider each other better than
ourselves
·
Protect when needed
·
Save paying for meals for dates/special
occasions
·
Meaningful gifts, not pricey
·
Healthy balance of time together/apart
·
Don’t be legalistic but always analyze
intentions (It should be simple and effortless)
·
Serve our friends. Love our friends. Bake for
our friends. Make time for friends.
·
We trust each other around other friends
·
Love each other’s families. Open to
parents/elders influence. Listen to our friends advice.
I can’t tell you how monumental and profound doing the PPP
document was. God truly answered our prayers and prepared us for an absolutely
amazing adventure with each other. One thing to notice is that we waited to
kiss or say “I love you” until we got engaged. It was hard, but it was so worth
it. I would recommend it to anyone willing. You’ll also notice that we also
made sure not to be alone after midnight. As my grandpa always said: “Nuthin’
good happens after midnight.” We discussed our expectations for dates to gift
giving. By knowing what each other thought a healthy relationship looked like,
we were ready to begin a healthy relationship of our own.
As the Relationship
Proceeds
There are five key areas to monitor during your
relationship: Time, Emotions, Touch, Groups, and Mentors
Time:
The most valuable commodity
The
amount of time that you spend with your significant other should correspond to
the significance and seriousness of your relationship. Spending the bulk of
your time with your dating companion early on is likely not a wise decision.
Many couples start dating and then whisk away into the sunset only to leave a
void in their friendships, jobs, and grades. As your relationship with another proceeds,
so too should the amount of time you spend with them. When Rachel and I started
dating, we had one on one time only about once or twice a week, and we spent
the rest of our time together in groups or serving.
Starting
out, your boyfriend or girlfriend should never take significance over God, your
family, or your friends. As you two grow closer together, your significant
other begins to climb the chain. Soon he/she becomes more important than your
friends (once engaged), then your family (once married). However, your
significant other should never become more important than Jesus. He is always
your number one priority. How you spend
your money, your time, and your thought life indicates what you love most. As you begin to care for and love your
significant other, they receive more of those three things. However, the amount
of money, time, and thoughts you spend on your significant other should not
dwarf the amount of those things you spend on Jesus. He was your first love; He
is your highest love. It’s through Jesus’ love that you even have a good
relationship with your significant other.
In
terms of one-on-one time, I would suggest no more than one date per week and
1-2 casual hangouts per week. Keep the rest group centered or service oriented.
Also, be mindful of texting throughout the day or late at night. You don’t want
to communicate through texting so much that being together in person loses
meaning. As your relationship develops, you will be able to find a healthy
pattern. It is impossible to
overemphasize the blessing of being friends before you are a
boyfriend-girlfriend. Rachel and I were friends for a year before we
started dating, which allowed us to truly get to know each other without acting
or putting on a show. You should keep in mind that everyone puts their best
foot forward for at least 6 months. If you are friends, you get to see who the
person really is. I recommend you be
friends with a person for at least 3-6 months before you consider dating them.
Friendship is the basis of marriage. If you don’t develop a friendship first,
then you’ll love what the person has to offer you rather than the person
themselves.
Emotions:
The most illusive commodity
Above
all else, guard you heart, for from it flows the wellspring of life.
~Proverbs 4:23
Do not
awaken love until it so desires.
~Song of Songs 2:7
Strive
to keep your emotional connectedness to a person in line with what your
community thinks is wise and also what you have clearly expressed to one
another. The more you connect to someone
emotionally, the more integrated with them you will be, and thus, the harder it
will be to separate. This will take a lot of work and a lot of modesty.
Touch:
The most powerful commodity
There
are five love languages; people who are dating seem to always assume theirs is touch.
Once
touching commences as normal activity in a relationship, attachment becomes
nearly unavoidable. You can’t really go backwards in a relationship touch wise,
you can only go forward. Once you start cuddling, you feel like you have to
always cuddling. Once kissing starts, continues, and so on and so forth. If your relationship can’t stand apart from
regular physical touch, it probably shouldn’t be standing at all. Physical
touch with someone you are attracted to clouds your ability to think clearly. If
you are not ready to hold their heart, don’t kiss their lips. My personal
advice to people is to not kiss until engaged. Besides, the longer you wait to
break out each stage of touching, the more exciting and new each stage is. Once
Rachel and I got used to hugging, it was about time to start holding hands.
Once we got tired of holding hands, it was about time to start sitting close
and putting my arm around her. Once we got tired of that, we waited to kiss.
Now that we can kiss, we are still enjoying the fruits of it. I bet you that
the moment we get complacent with kissing will be right around when we get
married. From a practical standpoint, if
you time what you can and can’t do just right, things will always be fresh and
exciting.
A big
mistake is to rush touch. Time is on your side. You can always wait longer, but
once you cross that line, you can never go back. If you are even considering
sex before marriage, that is a problem. There are so many reasons to save
yourself. I write more on sex here.
Groups:
The most helpful commodity
A wise
thing to do is to spend a large amount of time in natural, social environments.
Rachel and I love hanging out with friends and serving them together. In fact,
Rachel and I met and grew together by serving others together. Being in a
community with your significant other does wonders for your relationship. It is
so important to share your friends
with your significant other. It is a tragedy when a couple has two separate
groups of friends. It’s not you and your significant other versus the world.
You’re just as much a part of a community as you are a part of a relationship.
If you don’t have people outside of your relationship to help and grow with
you, then you are severely lacking in resources. The importance of being friends with your boyfriend’s/girlfriend’s
friends is absolutely prodigious.
Ask if
people sense your relationship is natural, edifying, enjoyable, etc. If your
friends don’t approve of your relationship, then maybe it just isn’t right.
However, you should be aware that you are listening to wise and loving friends,
not those whose stir of strife and contention. When Rachel and I started
dating, we had so much support from our community. We really sought the
blessing of our friends and elders and we received it. However, we felt the
full weight of gossip and criticism as well.
People are going to talk, so be sure you know when to listen and when to clog
your ears.
Mentors:
The most weighty commodity
This
isn’t popular advice, but you really should include your parents and mentors in
your love life. Submit your life to older, wiser, godlier people who are
modeling the type of life, marriage and family that you hope to have someday. Ask
your mentors if they think the steps you are taking are wise. Ask your mentors
if they see any pitfalls or blind spots in your relationship, your decisions,
your thinking, etc. The people outside
your relationship have a view of it that you don’t. Sometimes they don’t
understand, but sometimes they see areas of improvement that you’ll never see.
How to Properly Evaluate a Dating Relationship
There are four helpful lenses to view your relationship
with: Character, Compatibility, Chemistry, and Calling.
1.
Character—Are
they truly a good person?
The first
question that must be asked is: “Does this person truly love God?”
Are they honest?
Do they follow
through on things they have committed to?
Do you honestly
want your children to end up like this person some day?
Have you seen
marked growth in their lives in targeted areas of deficiency?
2.
Compatibility—Are
they truly an aligned person?
Does this person
want similar things out of life as you do?
What are your
expectations for a family?
Do your
personalities actually fit one another’s?
Are you
passionate about the same things?
3.
Chemistry—Are
they truly a natural person?
Do you genuinely
enjoy being around this person?
Would the idea
of a 10 hour car ride with them excite you?
Do you like who
the other person really is?
Are you
physically attracted to the other person?
4.
Calling—Are
they truly the right person?
What does God
think about this relationship?
When you pray,
do you sense peace and affirmation, or uncertainty and hesitation?
By
evaluating your relationship with these questions, you can understand whether
you two are going to be successful or strife-filled. It’s okay if your
relationship doesn’t check out with every single question; you’ll never find a
perfect person. However, you should use these questions to determine areas to
grow for you and your mate. If there are several questions that your
relationship or your mate can’t live up to, then perhaps you need to re-evaluate
whether you should be dating them at all. With
all things, let prayer and scripture guide you. I could give you so much
advice, but true remedies come by just spending time with Jesus.
Conclusion
When
dating, you are basically determining if you should be helpmates with this
person on your journey to the throne room of Heaven; you are determining if
they are the person you want to unite yourself with and give your life for in
order to present one another before God as your future glory self. The main reason I am going to marry Rachel
is because she will make me look more like Jesus. Relationships ought to be
more about holiness than they are about happiness. But instead, the way the
world (and most Christians) does dating resembles home buyers looking for the
best mortgage. My relationship with
Rachel won’t be normal because normal isn’t working these days.
Lastly,
have fun in your relationships. Don’t overanalyze
anything to the point of exhaustion. God wants His children to be joyous. He
provides us wisdom so that we can navigate the traps and trials of this life.
It is for freedom that He set us free. Let’s not kill ourselves trying to obey
every rule. That’s the beauty of grace.
Finally,
I will end with fourteen words of wisdom for non
married people
Via Dan Hamel
1. Don’t be in a hurry to date.
(do not awaken love
until it so desires)
2. If you find someone you like, don’t rush
into a relationship.
(give things time—you
need to get to know a person)
3. Grow in God when you are single.
(as I’ve seen it, it
is really hard to grow in two relationships at the same time, at least with
a lot of intensity)
4. Don’t date someone unless you are ready
to be married and you could reasonably expect them to be your spouse.
5. Don’t feel pressure to make
dating relationships work.
Dating relationships
that end are just as effective as dating relationships that end in marriage.
6. Avoid sexual gratification through masturbation.
-We need to talk
about this because I’m guessing 95% of guys I know struggle with it and
somewhere between 30-40% of girls (though they are less apt to discuss it)
-We almost never hear
about this. I never heard about this in church!
-I never heard about
it from a parent or a trusted authority
10 reasons I want to
admonish you to avoid it!
-It is, in essence,
selfish…the root of all sin
-Because it is
selfish, it doesn’t prepare you for marital sex (either practically or
mentally)
-It doesn’t represent
God’s plan for orgasm or for sexuality in marriage.
-It produces guilt
-It leads to
loneliness (after orgasm the body releases chemicals that result in intense
bonding…in marriage, that is perfect. In masturbation, that is depressing.)
-It becomes habitual
and addictive
-The bible says not to
be mastered by anything. (1 Cor 6:12)
-It is the opposite
of self control—the fruit of the Spirit
-Romans 14:22 Blessed
is the man who does not condemn himself by what he approves.
-I cannot think of a
single way it will help you look, live or love more like Jesus.
7. Avoid sexual gratification through touching
or being touched by another person
To be honest, when I
was growing up, since no one ever talked about sex in my family or in church—it
wasn’t until I was 16 and we took a survey in my youth group about what
everyone thought was “too far” that I realized things could be way too far that
weren’t sex. All I ever heard was “no sex until marriage.”
Avoid intentionally
exciting yourself or another person in the sort of way that elicits sexual arousal
in you or them.
In this I would
include kissing to the point of arousal, necking, touching sexual parts of the
body or caressing of any part of the body. Each of these actions naturally lead
to sexual arousal, which means they are intended for marriage.
What good are you
accomplishing through fondling another person?
8. Avoid unnecessary sexual stimulation.
-With the movies you
watch (elaborate)—You’d blush if Jesus were in the room
-With the
conversations you have (some conversations with your friends are
counter-productive)
-With the media you
consume on the internet (facebook is huge!—I know so many guys who talk about
giving into sexual sin after looking through facebook pictures of THEIR
FRIENDS)
-I have made a
covenant with my eyes not to look lustfully at a woman. (Job 31:1)
-This is honestly a really good test to see if you are a slave or free when it comes to sexual sin. When something like this comes your way, what does it result in you doing?
-This is honestly a really good test to see if you are a slave or free when it comes to sexual sin. When something like this comes your way, what does it result in you doing?
9. When you are tempted sexually, turn
your desire and attention towards God.
Once you recognize
that there is a desire in your heart or mind, acknowledge it before God outloud,
then confess that your greatest desire is for God-to know him, love him, obey
him and seek his delight. Then say, because I want you more than anything else,
I refuse to follow this desire, I commit to follow you.
(First Night… “How
have I failed you”)
Pray for an
ever-increasing love for God and for an ever-increasing delight in obeying
his commands. “The expulsive power of a new
affection.”
You know
one of the most effective ways to get over a person you had a crush on? Fall in
love with someone new…especially if they are someone better!!
10. Submerge your mind in scripture every day.
-Simply praying and asking
God to remove this sin isn’t going to practically do much (I’m speaking from
talking with dozens and dozens and dozens of guys)
-Romans 12
-Matthew 4
-five out of seven
days isn’t enough.
-Two out of seven
days isn’t enough.
-Every day if you are
in the process of breaking free from sexual addiction.
11. Stay busy with things that matter.
I’m not talking about
over committing yourself, (though college students are, by in large, some of
the lazier people I know).
I am talking about
keeping your mind busy (Philippians 4:8-9) Whatever is true, whatever is
noble…etc.
If you go to bed and
the first thing you do is read a chapter of the bible and then the second thing
you to is thank God for 10 blessings he gave you that day and the third thing
you do is pray for your family and friends…you’ll be asleep by the time you
would otherwise have given into sexual sin.
Biblical example from
Ephesians 4:28 “He who has been stealing but steal no longer, but must work,
doing something useful with his own hands, that he may have something to share
with those in need.”
(1)Remove this
(2) Replace it with this (3) Results in this…your reward (Greater than before)
12. Stay connected to Christian community.
-Spend time with
people who care about and are committed to your purity.
-They may be more
committed to your purity than you are…that will be helpful (because it is a
picture of God’s commitment to you)—fasting or sleeping outside because of
people’s sin.
Stay connected to a
wide range of people—not just friends your age…but in their thirties and
fifties…etc. Get to know elders at your church, befriend people who are living
the type of life you want to live 10-30 years down the road.
If you really care
about community, you’ll stop sinning. (Do you know what one person’s sin does
to a community?? Look up the story of Achen.
Revival might have
broken out in Lexington if it weren’t for the sexual sin of Christians
This campus might
have become entirely Christian if it weren’t for sin of students
The prayer of a
RIGHTEOUS man is powerful and effective.
13. Strive to think of people as God does and to see them
in light of eternity.
Ask for every person
you see, who you might lust after or think about using, “God, what is your
heart for this person?” You created them, you love them, what good are you
trying to bring about in their life?
Its pretty hard to
exploit someone sexually if you are thinking about either spending eternity
with them in heaven as your brother or sister.
Or if you can picture
them eternally suffering, separate from God.
14. Resolve to seek first his kingdom and his righteousness,
and all these things will be added to you.
Maybe it will be a
spouse, maybe it will be the grace and freedom to be single and satisfied, but
all things will be added until you.