Exactly
one year ago, Rachel and I walked down the aisle and into holy matrimony. In
just a year, we went from college kids to Dual-Income-No-Kids (DINKs). In some
ways, it feels like Rachel and I have been married a decade—in other ways,
barely a week. While I don’t understand how the time has passed, I know we have
enjoyed every moment since. We came into marriage well researched, but there is
no better teacher than experience. Some lessons came as surprises while others
were slowly and surely reinforced. Regardless, here are twelve lessons I
learned in the first year of marriage.
1.
The Game of Life
Many
people say the first year of marriage was one of the toughest for their
relationship, but Rachel and I can’t relate. We had an incredibly easy time
adjusting to married life. We read a litany of books about marriage beforehand
and learned from any older couple willing to talk to us. We put work into
laying the foundation and it’s been a breeze building ever since. But notice, I
didn’t say we had an easy year. Marriage itself hasn’t been so challenging (yet),
but all the other aspects of life have. We’ve received all sorts of wisdom
regarding marriage, but no one prepared us for the other changes we endured.
After
Rachel and I wed, change became our modus operandi. We moved locations. We
changed jobs. Rachel went from doing school—something she had done well for 17
years—to no job and no purpose. You’d think not having to work would be
fantastic, but it gets old quick. We left all of our college friends back in
Lexington and befriended the only folks we knew, my parents and Rachel’s
grandparents. Nanny and Nana were our best friends and my parents were our
double date partners of choice! We learned how to manage money, how to save for
retirement, how to get insurance, how to get a credit card, and how to make
sure Dave Ramsey never got mad at us. Our bedtimes shifted to 10 PM and our
weeknights suddenly opened up … all five of them. And if all that wasn’t challenging
enough in the beginning, I left for 4 weeks to Detroit on business after only 7
weeks of marriage. I left my wife alone in a city she barely knew with no job
and no friends. It was rough.
It
wasn’t our marriage that caused tears, anxiety, or anguish; it was the game of
life. Fortunately for us, we were able walk through it all with each other. We
lived and we learned. For example, I learned I prefer dishes and laundry while
Rachel prefers cleaning and vacuuming. I learned I value food and sleep while
Rachel values cleanliness and organization. I learned I love handling money and
paying bills while Rachel loves handling relationships and sending Thank-Yous.
We covered each other’s weaknesses with our strengths. Instead of letting the
stress of life strain our relationship, we let the joy of our relationship
overflow into every aspect of life. Through the challenges, our prayers became
authentic and frequent. We learned patience not just in the moment, but across
a span of months. We reveled in our difficulties and laughed at our
inefficiencies. Like a pair of rose colored glasses, our marriage let us view
our life in a whole new light. Challenges became the soil in which the fruit of
joy grew as we learned to embrace life, not just life together.
2.
Two Become One
Rachel
and I have witnessed the fusing of our personalities, our thoughts, our speech
patterns, our schedules, our pet peeves, our spirits, and our lives. There is
no longer ‘me’, only ‘we’. Not only are our bank accounts
joined, but the very fashion of our beings are intertwined. The way she
observes meets the way I analyze. Her picky pallet joins my adventurous taste
buds. Her emotions join my rational thought. In a profound sense beyond understanding,
we are one.
When
you’ve done something a certain way for a long time, it’s so easy to think of
it as the right way. You don’t realize how many little preferences you bring
until someone challenges those preferences. I grew up eating a certain way,
cleaning a certain way, organizing a certain way and even communicating a
certain way, and so did Rachel. When our preferences met, something had to
give. We had to adapt to each other. We each came into this marriage with
little ways of doing things. When our lives collided, we had to lay down our
rights and joyfully adjust. Now I know how to fold a towel the way Rachel likes
it and now Rachel knows how I like that towel hung up. When we come to a
difference in preferences, we figure out who cares about it the most and let
the stronger preference become the only preference. For example, Rachel
likes the house organized a certain way while I don’t care too much, so I adapt
to her. I like to eat at certain times while Rachel doesn’t mind too much, so
she adapts to me. Marriage becomes a beautiful dance of giving and taking.
Trouble
comes when a married couple tries to remain independent from each other.
Selfishness is the root of all conflict. I cringe when I see marriage advice to
the tune of “Do this or that to ensure you’re fine if you end up getting
divorced.” But that’s not how it works. The marriage covenant requires each
participant to go all in for each other, not themselves. No longer does she
have her friends and I have mine. No longer does she have her schedule and I
have mine. No longer does she have her money and I have mine. We are one. Her
worries become my worries. My interests become her interests. Her dreams become
my dreams. Like God, we are multiple personalities serving selflessly in one
unit.
If
you prepare as if divorce is possible,
it becomes probable. Marriage is all
in or nothing. The sum is greater than the whole of its parts. Two must become
one. After one year, we are no longer who we were. We are strangers to the old
single versions of ourselves. And in 30 years, I have no doubt Rachel and I
will be nearly indistinguishable in thought, preferences, and passions. We have
been joined together in a divine mystery. No man will separate what God has
joined together.
3.
Family Fun
As
Rachel and I have joined, our families have too. They say “you marry the
family” and boy is it true! And in our case, it couldn’t be more of a blessing.
Now that Rachel and I are old enough and mature enough to be independent, we
are free to enjoy our family’s company in a whole new way. Our parents are not
just our parents anymore, they’re our friends. We’ve ascended to a level of
mutual understanding and respect. While they still remain our mentors, spending
time with our parents is like a double date, not just a family gathering. Oh
the incredible amount of fun we’ve had with our newly joined family! Getting
married has taken time spent with the family to a whole new level.
On
the other hand, a joined family means joined family responsibilities. Rachel
and I have twice the family to love and take care of. Now it’s up to me to
attend the gatherings of my newly added family. Wherever Rachel is expected, I
am expected as well, so I have to make sure I give my newly founded family the
attention and presence they deserve. Moreover, Rachel now has the
responsibility to care of my parents and grandparents, not just hers.
Fortunately, she does an excellent job. Rachel was raised to send thank you notes
for every little occasion—whereas if I was taught that, I quickly forgot—so my
grandmas were absolutely astounded when they received sweet little thank you
notes from us.
When
families come together, familial differences get the highlight. It can be hilarious—and
challenging—to see how two groups of people can operate so differently. For
example, I was raised eating dessert after every meal. If a dessert was left on
the counter, it was the family goal to devour it. Rachel’s family, on the other
hand, doesn’t have a need for sweets like the Eaton’s do. They can leave a
Reese’s on the counter untouched for weeks on end. It’s amazing! Likewise, my
family only communicates when necessary. We save all of our discussions until
we are in person. Rachel’s family, however, calls each other on a daily basis,
sometimes multiple times a day and for no other reason than to “check in” with
each other. Such staunch differences in communicative expectations can be hard
to get used to! Rachel has to get used to the very short and succinct texts my
family utilizes to communicate and I have to get used to getting ten phone
calls on my birthday. When families come together, differences abound. Our
choice as a couple is to either rejoice in them or fight over them. Viva la difference!
4.
Double Dating
While
marriage is like an endless sleepover, the companionship it provides isn’t all-encompassing.
Married people still need friends. When we were married, our single friends
sort of assumed they would never see us again. It’s like they thought we were
too busy doing “married things” to hang out. To some extent, our schedules did
tighten up a bit, but for a while, Rachel and I always felt like we were the
ones doing the inviting. We were never the invited. There was this hidden assumption
that marriage provided all the companionship one would dare desire. But
community is where we draw our life and encouragement, married or not.
When
Rachel and I moved to Louisville, one of our largest and longest prayers was to
find other couples to walk down the married road with. It wasn’t easy to find
young couples like us. We were too young for the “young couples” class at
church (everyone had kids) and we were too old for the typical college-age
ministries we used to peruse. We latched on to any other DINKs we could find.
Married couples need other married couples to help encourage, teach, and guide.
When
you get married, you no longer spend your time figuring out if your spouse is
the one you want to be around. The decision is done. Instead, you begin to date
other couples. In every way, you begin to court couples to do life and double
dates with. You want friends who make life fun and share common values. There
were other married couples we were immediately attracted to and others we
weren’t. At one point, Rachel and I were so desperate for community that Rachel
set up a blind double date! No joke! We knew who we spent our time with would
determine who we became, so Rachel and I really wanted to ensure we were joining
other couples heading in the same direction.
5.
Keeping up with
the Jones
As
a couple, it’s so easy to desire what other couples have. So many times in our
first year, we would see other friends romping around with a cute little puppy,
moving in to a lovely new home, or trekking through Europe, and we would want
what they had. Envy and jealousy would knock on our hearts’ door ready to carry
off our joy. Every time we would see others doing something we wanted to do, we
would step back and remind ourselves to rejoice with them. We would remind
ourselves that we don’t want the responsibility of owning a pet. We would remind
ourselves that we don’t need to be hurried into a house before we are ready. We
would remind ourselves that we are so young and not ready to have children yet.
We would remind ourselves that we have a lifetime to travel and we don’t need
to knock out our bucket list in a few short years.
Our
ability to be thankful for what we have rides on our strength in fighting envy
and jealousy. We don’t need to buy stuff with money we don’t have to impress
people we don’t even know. Every couple is different and every person has their
own struggles. We neglect our own blessings by focusing on others’. Whether it’s
the house across the street or the wreath on our neighbor’s front door, we have
to step outside of the competition and walk humbly where God leads us. So many
times Rachel and I would say “That must be nice, but we wouldn’t want to live
the life they live.” Comparison makes us negate what God is calling us to do. We
have to focus on living our own lives well. We know God has called us to give
the amount of money we do, to live where we do, to go to the church we do, and
to live the way we do. We make these sacrifices joyfully and with the
understanding that we won’t be able to keep up with everyone else. Every day we
have to fight the temptations lambasting us from every social media site and
rumor mill.
Handling
envy comes down to awareness; there are good forms and bad forms of awareness. There
are the bad forms of awareness like shopping malls, advertisements, and social
media. Rachel and I have to stay out of different stores just for the sake of
not wanting things we don’t need. We don’t want shopping to become a sport. There
are times when we ban social media from our life to focus on being content
where we are at. There are times when we don’t even bother to ask others how
so-and-so is doing because we don’t want to deal with the temptation of
comparing. But while awareness can cause us grief, there are good forms of
awareness like donating to amazing charities or praying for certain movements
around the world. When I know my twenty bucks can feed 80 people, I am less
inclined to buy a steak I’ll enjoy only for a short time. When I know I can
build a well for the price of a weekend vacation, I am more content living
simply so others might simply live. Rachel and I make every effort to acquire
good awareness and leave the bad.
6.
Emotions and
Emoticons
Most
of the time in marriage, conflict isn’t caused by hard times or angry words,
but instead the emotions and attitudes that accompany them. A successful
married couple is a couple that can control their emotions well and separate
them from their decisions and actions. The resolution of any conflict or
disagreement Rachel I might encounter is largely dependent on the emotions we
bring. If we are both tired, no conversation will go well; rest or alone time
is often the best prescription. If we are distracted, we run the risk of
misunderstanding each other’s thoughts and intentions. If we are upset, it is
important to know whether we are upset because of something one of us did or
because of extenuating circumstances. My dad understood this when he’d ask my
mom: “Are you mad at me, or are you just mad?” The answer to that question is crucial!
If Rachel is upset with me, I need to repent and do something to fix it. If she
is just upset, I need to simply listen and not try to fix the problem.
Sometimes a gal just needs someone to listen and understand. As men, we need to
quell our impulse to try and fix everything wrong in our woman’s life and just
listen.
As
Rachel’s mom would always say “It’s not what you say but how you say it.” There
is wisdom in that statement to bless every type of relationship on earth,
marriage notwithstanding. Learning to communicate in marriage is a skill always
needing sharpening and never fully learned. You can’t just say words and hope
your spouse hears them. You have to communicate by knowing how your spouse will hear them. For example, since dating Rachel,
my text messages have way more exclamations and smiley faces. If I sent her a
text like this: “Good job. I love you” she would think I was mad at her! I
gotta have those smiley faces and exclamation marks! And yet, sometimes, even
emoticons don’t do the trick.
In
the first year of marriage, there have been many times where we have had to
circle the wagons and come together just to understand what each person was
trying to say. While we’ve learned what tone of voice to use, what body
language to utilize, and what words to say to make sure we understand each
other, we are still novices. We will be learning our entire lives.
7.
Good Intentions
Along
with handling emotions, I’ve learned it helps to remember my wife always has
good intentions. Never once has she intentionally tried to hurt me and never
once have I ever wanted to hurt her. We’ve always wanted the best for each
other, but sometimes that’s not good enough. As Ben Rector sings, if you love someone, they’re gonna hurt ya.
If you love someone one they’re gonna burn ya, but don’t let that burn you
down. When you open up your heart to someone, they are bound to hurt and
disappoint you, because they are imperfect. There is only one person who is
perfect at all five love languages and that’s Jesus.
This
last Christmas, I wanted to give a great gift—as any good husband does. It was
our first married Christmas so the pressure was on. Rachel was substitute
teaching at the time so I figured: what would be more perfect than a teaching
survival kit? I bought the cutest little basket I could find and filled it with
stickers and teaching supplies and books and teacher’s jewelry and a gift card
to McDonalds for that sweet elixir (tea) on a hard day of teaching. I organized
this gift several months in advance because I wanted it to be perfect.
Unfortunately, as Christmas approached, Rachel became more and more unsatisfied
with her job. By the time Christmas rolled around, she didn’t want to think one
more thought about teaching. She was done.
Finally, a break from teaching, she thought as Christmas arrived. But lo
and behold, she unwrapped her gift from her overly excited and well-intentioned
husband and it was nothing but teaching stuff. Cue the waterworks. My gift had
furthered her occupational torture. My intentions were the best of the best but
my efforts still failed. Good thing Rachel is so patient and forgiving! It
really is true that a great marriage consists of two excellent forgivers.
8.
Beautiful
Monotony
Marriage
has skewed my view of time. It seems like every day, nothing changes, but when
you look back, nothing’s the same. The slow erosion of time can grow impatience
and boredom. But marriage isn’t out to change the world in a day; it looks to
shape the world over a lifetime. In the mundane everyday actions, we can find
the power to create powerful testaments to God’s glory over a long distance of
time.
In
marriage, you do a bunch of really insignificant things, but you have the
opportunity to do them in a really significant way. From the outside, marriage
can look really boring. Go to work. Do the laundry. Make dinner. Do the dishes.
Watch a tv show. Go to bed. Repeat. But marriage is like an electrical outlet:
boring on the outside but full of power and excitement on the inside. It’s
amazing how much fun grocery shopping or watching a movie can be with your
lifelong best friend!
When
you have God’s love in the relationship, the ordinary becomes extraordinary. Every
moment is an opportunity to either draw closer to each other or farther way.
There is no neutral current. I think that’s why people often say you have to
fight for your marriage. You can’t just happen into a good marriage. You have
to build it. It takes a lot of boring brick-laying.
9.
Planned
Spontaneity
Along
with the beautiful monotony, I’ve learned how to cultivate planned spontaneity.
Rachel and I are both planners, so spontaneity doesn’t come naturally. We like
to know what, when, why, where, and how something will happen. Yet, passionate
love demands acts of spontaneity. So how do two planners allow passionate love
to flow through their air-tight schedules? We plan it! I’ll explain.
In
my phone, I have a list of all sorts of cute date ideas and ways to bless
Rachel. I know what I want to do, but I leave the when open to interpretation.
I know I want to give Rachel flowers when she least expects it, but I need to
remind myself every few months. I know I want to whisk my wife away on a
magical adventure, but I have to plan a window where spontaneity is allowed to
grow. I know I want to fill ordinary moments with romantic passion, but I have
to do the legwork first before any spontaneous intimacy can appear. I am always
planning and dreaming up ways to bless my wife, but I am always allowing the
moment to come in its own time. Rachel and I have learned that for us, planned
spontaneity is the way to go. For other more free-spirited couples, spontaneity
may be inherent, but they may need to force themselves to do more planning or else
their spontaneity will fall flat! In their case, it’s spontaneity planning.
Regardless, marriage stays exciting when a couple strives to bless each other
in both planned acts of love and spontaneous acts of passion.
10. Ph.D in Rachel-ology
In
a year, Rachel and I have learned oodles of information about each other. We
can think each other’s thoughts and communicate without words. But I am only a
freshman in my understanding of my wife. I am pursuing my Ph.D in Rachel-ology.
I’ve learned marriage necessitates the joy of continually pursuing knowledge
about my wife, even as she changes. I’m not just married to Rachel; I’m married
to Rachel in 10 years, Rachel in 20 years, and Rachel in 50 years. She is ever
changing. There will be days when I will feel like I’m married to a stranger! I
can choose to pout or I can choose to study.
Every
moment with Rachel is an opportunity to get to know her even better. In love
and in loss. In sickness and in health. In wealth and in poverty. In joy and in
suffering. In happiness and in mourning. I get to see a million different views
of the same beautiful creation. Rachel is a unique piece of the image of God
found nowhere else in the world. No one else has the privilege I have. I’m going
to study this beautiful treasure until she’s no longer mine to hold.
Couples
pursue each other down the aisle, but once they settle into matrimony monotony,
they forget to keep dating! I don’t ever want to stop pursuing my wife.
There’ll be times when I’m more focused on other things besides her, but she
will always be my topic of study. My love for her will be a living thesis.
11. Love is Self-Denial
In
a year of marriage, I’ve learned love and self-denial are one in the same. To
love my wife is to deny myself and put her wants and needs above my own. Our
culture seems to think love is an emotion. Love is not a paltry feeling that
comes and goes. You cannot fall into or out of love—desire is not love. A few folks
know love as a verb, but they still don’t comprehend what verb love is. Love
wants the ultimate good for the loved object. Love lays down its life for
another in thought, action, and deed. In essence, God is love, for God so loved
the world He gave His only son. There is no greater love than he who lays down
His life for a friend.
If
you want to learn how to love, become like the one who is love. Step down from
any position you think you have right to and serve. Offer forgiveness where it
is undeserved. Remain faithful in times of unfaithfulness. In every way, try to
imitate Jesus. To truly love is to pursue Christ. As you grow in love for
Christ, you will grow in love for others, your spouse especially.
12. The Holy Union
Rachel
is not the greatest love in my life. Jesus is. But a funny thing happens: when
I love Jesus more than Rachel, I end up loving her more than I could love
anyone apart from Jesus. There is a holy union between not just myself and
Rachel, but myself, Rachel and Jesus. What’s amazing is as I love Rachel more,
I love Jesus better. As I love Jesus more, I love Rachel better. It’s kinda like
that little triangle diagram your youth minister used to draw about dating, but
not as cheesy and much more profound. Just as God is three-in-one, Rachel and I
are two-in-one. As confusing as this all sounds, we are inherently connected.
I
don’t really understand the complications of what I just explained; as Paul
says, marriage is a divine mystery. In the future, I’m sure I’ll look back on
this reflection and laugh at how naive I was. Nevertheless, God has taught me
so much through the gift of marriage. The first year inside this divine mystery
has been mind-bogglingly awesome and I welcome every year to follow as Rachel
and I follow in the footsteps of Christ.
Married folk, what are some things you learned?
Other
little lessons:
·
Telling
someone you’re married at 23 makes people feel weird
·
People
will always wonder why you don’t have kids yet
·
Living
with a Type-A woman is so much easier than living with 8 college guys
·
Rachel
loves the color tiffany blue (most of our furniture is that color)
·
Trader
Joe’s has a great flower selection
·
A
space heater is a fantastic investment
·
Detroit
is as miserable as it sounds
·
St.
Thomas and St. John are even more delightful than they look
·
Lexington
is a great getaway spot
·
Visiting
CSF at UK makes us feel like we’re back at home…and geezers!
·
We
still miss Southland. A lot.
·
We
don’t miss schoolwork, trekking through campus in the cold, or UKNow e-mails
·
Rachel
has seasonal affective disorder…she’s convinced. Hello winter getaways!
·
PF
Chang’s frozen meals for 2 are fantastic
·
A
pot of beer chili will go a long way in the winter
·
The
Opryland Inn: A Gaylord Hotel is not the same thing as the Gaylord Opryland
Hotel
·
Money
is best spent on experiences
·
The
Ann Arbor art fair is really fun
·
We
go to the state fair just for a corndog
·
The
Christmas craft fair is the best fair in town
·
Uncle
Maddio’s on Bardstown is our favorite pizza joint
·
Chick-Fil-A
never gets old. Ever. And it always sounds best on Sunday.
·
Groupon
is still the way to go. Well, if you do your research!
·
Cable
is dumb and too expensive!
·
Packing
lunch is better when your wife packs it…and leaves a love letter inside.
·
Traffic
on Hurstborne is awful.
·
Moving
is a lot of work, but worth it!
·
Target
has everything…including Rachel’s number! She could spend hours in there.
·
Grandmas
are the best! Really, they are such a blessing.
·
Haircuts
are painfully necessary.
·
Wedding
season is expensive when you have a million friends getting married within a 3
month span.
·
Costo
is fantastic…even if it’s just for the entertainment of walking around and
eating free samples.
·
Homemade
guacamole is the perfect snack.
·
Never
take a free meal for granted.
·
Sunshine
makes Rachel happy. And Hawaii!
·
A
good church is a huge blessing!
·
We
have the best young couple’s small group in the entire world! Really, we prayed
for community and God answered our prayers abundantly with this one!